Sunday, August 12, 2012


I learned a new word today: nomobiphobia. Any ideas what it is? It is a "no mobile phone phobia." Yes, there is now an actual phobia. And tragically, I have been afflicted by it before. How crazy is it that this is something we need to define?? I'm going to sound super-old here but I remember getting my first cell phone at the age of 19 and not using it very much. I also remember when they first came out with camera phones and how ridiculous I thought that was because who needs to take pictures that urgently? Fast forward 18 months later and I have a camera phone. Then I couldn't believe that people would actually pay for data plans on their phones just to access the internet. How lame was that? Then there was the touch phone, and finally the "smart" phone. All things that I vehemently insisted that I would not need, and of course I now own a smart phone and it has been one of the greatest purchases I have ever made.

Wait, what?

I had to purchase a smart phone a couple of months ago because my boss kept sending my messages that I couldn't access because I didn't have a smart phone. I finally broke down and bought one and ironically don't have that job anymore. Whatever. Two months after making the transition to smart phone mine was refusing to hold a charge. (Probably because I dropped it in a glass of water...) After replacing my battery and my charger my provider finally just exchanged out my phone for another. However during this time I went a whole 36 hours without a working phone. It was terrifying! I kept feeling phantom phone vibrations and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety that someone was trying to get a hold of me. I was positive that I was missing something life changing that I would not know about until it was too late. Miraculously the world continued on as normal and when I got my new phone I had not been called upon to save the world or anything of the sort. And someone please tell me why six year old's have cell phones?? This disturbs me. No child needs to talk or text their friend that badly.

I've decided that my generation is getting "old" way to fast. The way technology is advancing in my lifetime alone is astonishing. Does anyone even remember laser discs? I still have one simply for the nostalgia of it. When I showed it to the kids I used to teach they thought I was insane.

I am way too "plugged in" with my smart phone, laptop and everything else. I've made a decided effort lately to be more cautious about how much time I am spending on the internet. I have definitely cut down on my Facebook time but am trying to make an effort to spend time "unplugged." I've been leaving my phone in another room for hours while I do other things. Gasp! The horror. But guess what? I'm still living. I didn't miss a call from Jeremy Renner professing his undying love. I was not called upon by the United Nations to be an ambassador for the aliens that recently landed in Idaho. I am okay. Mostly. Nomobiphobia cured?

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Hoarding: The Epiphany

I had an epiphany today while watching TLC's "Hoarding: Buried Alive." I get a sick satisfaction from watching this show and I think it comes from knowing that my life could be worse. But can it really? Here's where the epiphany comes in. It was vocalized by the subject of this particular episode. She explained that her hoarding started because she was lonely and that having all these things made her feel safe and secure. That statement resonates with me but in relation to my food issues instead of hoarding. She went on to explain that once she realized how awful she had let her hoarding become she was overcome by the massive changes it would require to fix it. I feel the same way about my weight. She then went on to explain why she had not made the effort to start changing. If she couldn’t fix the hoarding it would be yet another failure to add to the list. This woman spoke what I feel.  How is her addiction to objects any different from my addiction to food? We are both striving to replace the same thing.

Here is what I mean. It is a given that life is most likely not going to turn out how we plan. Things happen beyond our control. By the age of 31 I had fully intended to be married to a wonderful husband, with beautiful children, have a degree in music and be teaching piano while raising my children. The reality is that I am single, do not have a college degree, unemployed and living with my parents and no prospects for marriage or career.

I don’t want pity. I don’t write any of this because I want someone to fix me or feel bad for me because on a daily basis and in general I don’t feel as overwhelmed as this sounds. The aggravation came from losing a job that I really liked and realizing that my baby sister is going to be married soon. But the truth of it is that as much as I know I need to make some changes in my life, I’m scared to. What if I can’t do it? It would be one more failure to add to the ever growing list. Then there is the flip side. What if I do make the changes? I have felt that part of the reason I am single is because I can’t find someone to look beyond my weight. I want to find someone who will love me for me but the reality is that I am more likely to find someone if I lose some weight. At the same time what if I lose weight and still can’t find someone to love me? That thought terrifies me. So I reject others before they reject me by not doing anything at all, thinking that if it is really meant to be someone will break through my walls. If I want to end the aching loneliness, longing for companionship and gut-wrenching loss as my child bearing years pass by, I have to change. Me. The world is not going to change for me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Simple Life

We had a power outage in my neighborhood the Monday after the 4th of July which led to everyone evacuating their homes for the marginally cooler weather of the outdoors. I must explain that in general I do not like excessive heat. At all. In fact I have strong words for how I feel about hot weather; the words that come to mind include abhorrence, enmity, loathing, and animosity to name a few. I know it doesn’t make sense considering I was born in the desert state of Utah and have lived here my whole life. You would think that at some point I would have adapted to the weather. N-O-P-E.

Back to the power outage. After calling the power company and discovering that we would be without power until at least 2 a.m., I panicked. In general my residence is what I would consider toasty even with the A/C on, more so than I would like. There are various factors that contribute to the fiery furnace that is my bedroom in the summer; the southern facing window and the neighbor’s ridiculously yellow paint job that reflects the sun into my bedroom are the main reasons. Thus I was faced with the prospect of a day that had reached 100 degrees turning into a night without much hope of relief.  I couldn’t handle the thought of tossing and turning sleeplessly while enduring the agonizing heat. I was mulling over the benefits of taking off for cooler climes when one of the neighbor kids came running out of his house and darted across to us. “Can you believe it?” he cried. “Now I can’t play my video game!!” If only I could have the worries of a child again.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Confessions of a Dead Beat Friend

Confession time again. I've been a bad friend, one might say dead beat. I basically have 4 really good girl friends that are constants in my life. Three of these friends I haven't talked to in months and the only reason I have had any contact with the fourth is that her husband calls me so that I can babysit their baby while he takes his wife out. I am a great listener when people have problems and need to talk or not talk. I am horrible however at communicating my needs. I tend to become reclusive and then feel bad when no one contacts me. I also tend to feel guilty about burdening others with my "problems" especially because I often feel that compared to the trials of others, my worries pale in comparison.

I continue to struggle with balance in my life as well and I still haven't figured out how to adjust my priorities so that I am not totally overcome by a single aspect of my life. I never seem to be in the right place with my spirituality, personal life, family life and career all at the same time. My excuse is usually work but after today I no longer have that excuse. (Explanation forth-coming, stay tuned) It makes for a pretty lonely existence. And now that I have had a REALLY awful day (fired) I am too ashamed about being a bad friend to call my friends and let them commiserate. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. Putting down roots won't do me any good if I can't nurture and water them. Maybe that's why the cactus in my room is dying.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

Things That Mus Go - Office Edition

The title says it all, this is my list of things that MUST go (but probably won't)
  • The mysterious person that turns off the A/C. It's hot everywhere else in the building, if you're cold put a sweater on. It's sad when the temperature upstairs and in the gigantic warehouse is lower than the downstairs offices.
  • My computer not working right unless someone from IT is standing there watching me, at which point I can't show them what's wrong.
  • The software on my computer that only works sometimes because it was written years ago before Windows XP, 7 and Vista, by someone who doesn't work there anymore. 
  • The person who sorts the mail and keeps giving me the mail for the people who work in the building across the street. Still the same company but the name and departments are light years apart.
  • Snot rockets. My office is near the bathrooms and with our recent remodel and removal of the carpet in the hallway, sound carries more clearly. At least three times a day someone is in the men's room blowing snot rockets. It echoes, everyone can hear you. Ewww.
  • The missing table from the lunchroom. A few weeks ago someone took a table and used it somewhere else, now it's missing. It makes for a cramped lunch hour.
  • The unknown person that's stealing my ice. My work doesn't have ice, I bring my own 5 lbs bag. There are certain people I have given permission to use it. It's not expensive. However, the person who keeps tearing open the bag instead of untying it meaning that it doesn't get closed tight and thus the ice ends up tasting of the other things in the freezer. See next item.
  • The people who keep bringing whole sides of beef to put in the freezer at work. Really? Were you planning on having a BBQ party after everyone else goes home? Because your side of beef has been there for over a month and it's starting to smell.
  • The busybody who is keeping track of my phone calls. Guess what? Just because someone doesn't know my extension, doesn't make it a personal call. Tattling just makes you look stupid, especially when you're wrong.
  • The magazines on the tables in the lobby. For some reason there are 15 issues of People and 1 paper that is local to the suburb we are located in. People magazine is for doctor's offices, not the lobby of a business, unless you print the magazine or take the photos of the people inside.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Happy 30th Brunhilda!!

 Nothing says "I Love You" like this face I made when confronted by my newborn sister.

My sister and her beautiful kids. Happy Birthday!!!