Think you're ready to have kids?

My sister sent me this and I thought it was worth repeating.

Thinking of having kids? Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are
parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into theback seat.
Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them withyour foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.=(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).Play this tape in your car everywhere you go
for the next four years.You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Your Politics could cost you your job!

I can't resist a good alliteration so when I began reading an article from the Associated Press I was awestruck by their clever use of "Facebook face-offs. Myspace mudslinging." Read the article here. If you don't want to read the article I will just do a general recap. The article is discussing how in this day and age of advanced media that many young people are not thinking about the fact that what they post online could affect their future. The article cites numerous employers who do a check on the people they are considering for hire.

"Nearly half acknowledged they disqualified some job seekers because of information found online, ranging from evidence of drug use to extreme political views."

Shocking isn't it? Specific cases are cited and the observation is made that 48 of our 50 states do NOT protect employees from being dismissed because of their political views. Pretty alarming isn't it? Of course I could also point you to one of my earlier posts. I have a friend Chelsea who recently experienced a bit of this when she was asked, by her employer, to remove several things from her blog. The posts were not offensive or derogatory in anyway to her occupation but she somewhat reluctantly obliged. There are differing views as to both the Constitutionality of the practice by employers seeking web info on the applicants, and the right of applicants to express themselves freely. I for one, do not post things that I would be afraid to answer for. Frankly if someone didn't want to hire me because of my political views, I wouldn't want to work for them anyway. Recent events in my life have caused me to ponder at the wisdom of unabashed free speech online. Who knows what affect our words may have on someone? I mention this only because I recently read a blog that was hateful, judgmental and shocking to me. Obviously this person has the right to their own opinion and the right to express it, but I worry that when they speak ill of another race, religion or person that the uninformed may take it at face value and not seek out truth. Nothing I can do but do what I do best, worry.

Unfilled Shoes

Just as a side note, since leaving my previous occupation in November, I have become accustomed to having my weekends for leisure time. Previously I would get phone calls at all hours and have to go in to work and spend my "days off" at my place of employ. (with no compensation of course) I did not realize how lazy I had become until this weekend when I spent both Saturday AND Sunday in non-stop motion. I will just say that I am not a fan. Especially Sunday, it's supposed to be a day of rest right? To top it all off I have continued to receive phone calls from my previous employer to ask for "favors" or to run errands for my former patients. I feel a little guilty for purposely not answering the phone but I should just point out that a) I haven't worked there for almost 4 full months, b) the position is not vacant they did replace me, c) the actual patients have been calling me, which means someone gave them my cell phone number, and d) I DON'T WORK THERE. It is unfortunate that since my absence the staff is apparently unable/unwilling to fill the not so large shoes that I left behind. And people wonder why I left healthcare?

Poor sick baby!

I have been constantly sick lately with one thing or another and I had an epiphany yesterday when I realized that I started getting sick when I changed careers. I went from working in a nursing home to working in an office all day. I have been sick more in the last 4 months than in the 4 years preceeding. I'm sure it's because I built up immunities to all kinds of things. The result now being that I am a wimp when I get sick. I had become so accustomed to great health that I literally feel like I'm falling apart now. I finally realized how whiny I had become lately and wondered how anyone could stand me. Then again, I haven't spent much time with people other than my family lately. So to those of you who put up with me (and you know who you are) I promise to try to do more positive thinking and quit whining. I also give you permission to confront me about it and if necessary use excessive force.

Ground Breaking Cinema

I stumbled across a great cinema treat Saturday one which I can't believe was overlooked by the Academy when it was released in 1998. Initially what made me stop my channel surfing was that I thought I recognized Katherine Heigl who looked really young. After perusing http://www.imdb.com/ I discovered that I was in fact correct. Before I forget, the movie was "Bride of Chucky". I have never felt the need to seek out any of the Chucky movies because even though they are touted as "horror" movies, I just don't see how a walking talking homicidal doll could be frightening. There is more unintentional comedy value than terror for me. The only truly disturbing thing was watching a doll give birth to a living breathing devil doll. It continues to amaze me that Hollywood seems intent on making films that have no cinematic value and have little promise of doing any better at the box office than their predecessors. I saw a preview for Hell Boy II and wondered, do they not remember the mediocrity that was the first one? Does anyone really care about a second one? I certainly don't. It is about as pointless as the second Dr. Doolittle or a second League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. What kind of delusions must a producer be under to want to produce Child's Play VII: The seed of the seed of Chucky?

The Healing Affects of Music

Not many people have made the mistake of arguing with me about music and those who do are not usually repeat offenders. I have extremely strong opinions on music and the effect that it has on people consciously and subconsciously. You can attempt to convince me that you feel no different when listening to KORN than when you listen to Rachmaninoff but you will lose. I majored in Music Therapy at Utah State and can cite study after study including this one, about the effect music has on brainwaves, moods, and healing. I scoff at people who say that music does not effect their outlook on life or the way they treat others around them. Here is an example of the smooth, calming lyrics of Snoop Dogg. Such an inspiration isn't he? I had an argument with my cousin's husband because he insisted vehemently that listening to misogynistic dogg****, was the same to him as listening to the musical stylings of someone like Cyndi Lauper. I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people that blames an increasingly violent world on the music industry or that fact that first person shooter games are immensely popular among the pre-teen crowd. I do however suggest that after listening to women, blacks, gays, Muslims, Jews, etc. etc. referred to in a derogatory manner "Time After Time" whether it be in the home or on the airwaves, that there is bound to be an effect on the psyche. If you were told day after day that you were a fat slob, even if you were the picture of cleanliness and health, eventually you would begin to believe it. So all I'm saying is that I have no objection to you enjoying the music that you prefer, everyone has their own likes and dislikes. Just don't try to convince me that when I need music to help calm my troubled soul I should listen to Marilyn Manson instead of my usual Norah Jones, ok?

The strange and interesting origins of holidays

I hate to be the typical bitter cynical single woman but the mold just fits so well. Although to be fair I am not really feeling any of those because I have a prospect that seems relatively viable. In true scorned woman fashion though, I am trying not to get my hopes up yet.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day (in case you forgot), the day to celebrate love, young people, and happy marriages. (http://www.catholic.org/ says so!) For those of us who are single and sick of looking, we decided to move our girl's night up and hold it on what some call "Single Awareness Day". The great thing about our girl's nights is that they have been getting a little bit larger every month. I was a little disappointed however to discover that I know so many great women that had nothing else to do on Valentine's Day. There were 14 of us this time and we started out the night by comandeering a corner of the Training Table. We figured it was safe because you seat yourself and most couples probably were headed to pricey establishments,...... like Chuckarama. Training Table ended up being pretty busy but most of the foot traffic was what appeared to be grandparents with their grandchildren probably giving mom and dad an opportunity to go out.

I'm sure we've all heard people say that Valentine's Day is a holiday created by the greeting card companies. (My vote's for Hallmark) I have also heard vague tellings of a Catholic saint named Valentine, but I have never been privy to why he deserved a holiday. In an attempt to stave off boredom and avoid other unpleasantness I decided to do some research. It turns out that Februrary 14th is the anniverary of the beheading of poor Valentine. As holidays go this one was chosen rather oddly. If you think about other holidays, Presidents' Day is celebrated around the birthdays of Lincoln and Washington. Martin Luther King Jr. Day (or Civil Rights Day if you will) is celebrated in the birth month of Mr. King. It made me curious as to which category St. Patrick fell in and he as well is celebrated on the day of his death. I find it curious but not unheard of that it is their deaths that we celebrate. Some would say that Easter is the celebration of Christ's death, but I think most people would disagree and say that it is his resurrection that we celebrate not his actual death. One thing to point out here as well is that the aforementioned holidays (Presidents' Day, MLK Day) were not chosen by any ecclesiastic leaders.

I would also like to mention that there are a lot of saints! As I was browsing the list of saints the last one, St. Zoticus, ended up being number 2,042. Wow!

Wow CNN, you are visionaries!

So two minutes after the polls closed here in Utah CNN had "Breaking News". Romney takes Utah. Really? Seriously? You know I really thought that maybe it might have gone to Guiliani. No? My mistake.

I had a few problems voting today, the first one being that in the past 4 years I have lived in Holladay, Murray, Sandy and Salt Lake. My voter registration has remained in the same precinct as my parents because it was just easier that way. So earlier today I got online to check my polling place, just in case it was not where I remembered. After being told that the system couldn't find my registration I ended up calling the voter office. A nice young lady (who had a mouth full of food) assured me that I would still be voting in Sandy. After work I made the trek out of my way to Sandy so that I could do my civic duty to ensure that my generation will be represented. Upon arriving at the "Cottonwood Improvement District" building (ie dump site for RV waste) I happened upon my parents neighbor who was taking names and he graciously told me that since I didn't live at home I couldn't vote there. I understand that it is not my district and if there was more than one thing on the ballot I could understand, but they are very strict and they sent me on my way. Having to vote provincially was actually an advantage because it meant that I didn't have to vote Republican which I would have had to in Sandy. The other problem is related to party voting. I was not too keen on having to align myself with one party or the other so that I could vote but apparently that is a requirement. I would have preferred to have been able to vote without tying myself to one party or another. I haven't checked with other states, but is it a requirement in every state? And was it really necessary to take my blood because I wasn't voting Republican?

Forget the Super Bowl, I Love Puppy Bowl!

I actually do enjoy watching football, but it has got to be college. Once you get into the NFL and AFC I get lost. I know that doesn't make sense since it's still football but I can't decide if I dislike it because it confuses me or if it's because of the attitude most pro players seem to have. I usually make an exception for the Super Bowl because it's also a fun social event as well.

This year however, I have found myself with a double dose of the conjunctevitis and a single dose of anti-social paranoia. So instead of indulging in the ridiculously over-hyped Super Bowl, I was flipping the channels and came upon literally the cutest show EVER in history. On Animal Planet they were broadcasting the Puppy Bowl IV (can you believe I missed the first 3?!) It's basically hours upon hours of adorable puppies playing with toy footballs in an "arena". They even take time out to introduce the different puppies and their stats. There was a water bowl at one end of the field that had a camera looking through the bottom so you could see the puppies drink. The puppies are given free reign unless it gets too rough and then a foul must be called and the puppies in question separated.

Maybe I was just feeling exceptionally sappy but I cannot describe the "cuteness" of this TV show. And of course there were the commercials for homeless pets and the like that pulled at your heart-strings. The whole thing made me want to see my parents dog, but then I realized I didn't want to drive that far and my dog is not a puppy. And after a while I realized that cute as it was I hadn't spoken to anyone at all in about 42 hours and was done with my self-imposed isolation. With limited options I went to an acquaintance's house where a Super Bowl party was in full swing. I still didn't watch a second of the game. Giants, Patriots whatever. Watching them will probably never be as entertaining and full of adorable things to look at as the Puppy Bowl.