"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
-- George Carlin
"Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we'."
- Mark Twain
"You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
~Rita Mae Brown
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
~Carl Zwanzig
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
"Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."
--Michelle Pfeiffer
"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
“Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
--Nipsey Russel
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
--Jerome K. Jerome
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
--A. Whitney Brown
“A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
--Bill Cosby
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
--W.C. Fields
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
--Paul Fix
"When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not Guilty.'"
-- Theodore Roosevelt
"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship."
--George W. Bush
