Comfortable Silences

I love sound. Not just music but most sounds. I enjoy just sitting somewhere and listening to my surroundings. I try and pick out sounds and figure out their origin. Of course anything at the wrong decibel or with excessive repetition can be annoying. I used to student teach a choir class full of girls and when they were getting too noisy I used to tell them that silence can be the most beautiful music of all.

I tend to end up as a sounding board for a couple of people and I realized tonight why I love my friend Rose so much. With my other friends (two in particular) I don't get to talk a lot and conversation usually revolves around them. With Rose, she actually lets me talk. And then there are those great times when we can just sit in comfortable silence. So to Rose I dedicate the next few lines and hope that you can enjoy them.













See, wasn't that nice?

The Golden Rule

I continue to struggle to not use my blog to write bitter diatribes about the state of the nation and/or the state of my love life. I have been reflecting and I have decided that the thing that frustrates me most about the men that I know is that because the odds are overwhelmingly in their favor, they treat us like objects. Objects that put up with their crap and will be there when they need them, even if abandoned for a while. I usually convey my disgust and annoyance with cynicism and negativity. I have decided to live The Golden Rule. Instead of doubting and expecting the worst, I am going to try and treat the men in my life as if they are already the men I know they can be. I know it will be difficult, but hopefully I can convince some of my friends to do the same. Maybe if we change our attitude, so will they. Also with this I will strive to act like the person I'm trying to be, instead of the bitter wasted shell of a future cat lady. I'm also going to try and stop worrying about my love life. I may not understand it or like it, but I really can't complain about much else. I have great friends, a nice place to live, a decent job and I love who I am. I may not be perfect, but I can continue to work on myself and hope that one day someone will accept me for me. So, until that day when my faith in men is restored, I am sticking with The Golden Rule.

Missing You!

My mother left today to go visit my sister's family in Ohio and it has made me really miss them! I last saw them at Christmas and probably won't get to see them until the next one. I want to be out there to hang out with my sister and to play with my niece and nephew. Here are a few pictures of how adorable they are. We can share in the pain.

The Wedding Epidemic

I think there is something in the air besides the smog of traffic from the backed up I-15. There has been an explosion among my group of friends of wedding engagements. I have three receptions to go to in the next 2 weeks. I guess anything above one is an improvement over last year. So it seems that love is in the air. I have some suggestions for the recently or soon to be engaged, and any of those that may know the aforementioned:

• Strategically placed hands in the wedding photo to show off the ring never looks natural, it always looks awkward and silly.
• Receptions during the middle of a weekday ensure that most of your friends in the working class can't go. You might as well not have one. There is no rule saying you have to.
• I'm not one for painting my nails and all that girlie stuff, but realize that when you get engaged everyone is going to want to see the ring, so a manicure would not be out of order.
• If someone is kind enough to throw you a shower, don't then go and tell everyone that it is at a different location and that the theme that was previously chosen is no longer valid thereby negating everything that person had already put in place. *See below for explanation
  
• There is certain etiquette for bridal showers, this includes finding out who will be there and what kind of gifts are acceptable. (ie lingerie) Nothing is more embarrassing to the bride than opening up something kinky in front of her mother and/or soon to be mother-in-law. In some families it is acceptable, but know your audience first.
• If you live in a house with roommates and all of you know the happy couple, don't expect an invitation for each person. It's just going to go on the fridge with the 4 others you've received this month so don't complain, invitations can be expensive.

*The following story took place at a time when I was more timid and basically a push-over. Several years ago I was sharing this adorable downtown apartment with my best friend of just over 10 years. She had gotten engaged and as her friend I asked if I could throw her a shower, to which I was told that I could. Seeing as how this was my best friend and everything, I wanted to make it special so I handmade the invitations. They were black and white and resembled the slapper things that you see when viewing uncut footage of a movie, they had moving parts and everything. I made the invitations to reflect the theme "Movies" the idea being that if you're favorite movie was "Sleepless in Seattle" then you would bring bedding or something to that affect. I thought it was a cute idea. So after I had sent out all the invitations my friend came to me and said that she didn't like the idea and that she had already called everyone. Instead of having it at a quite picturesque location at the mouth of Big Cottonwood Canyon, my friend informed me that the shower would now take place at her aunts house. Oh, and the theme thing was out. I, being the ever accommodating person, smiled through the crushing pain and gave up control to the bride-to-be. There was some equally insulting and extremely disrespectful behavior on the part of this "friend" before she got married, ending with her threatening to sue me over the pettiest thing IN THE WORLD. This incident actually ended up being the catalyst for me to stop taking crap from people and stand up for myself. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. (And that's the edited short version!)

Fast Food Guilt

I have fast food guilt and unfortunately, more than one kind. The first and usually most convincing guilt I have is the fact that fast food is expensive. We as a society spend 6 dollars or more for a burger, fries and a drink when we could make it at home for less expense. If you eat out at least one meal a day then a conservative estimate would have you spending $168 dollars a month on fast food. Yikes! I know the rationalizations that I make such as, "it's just faster" or "I don't have time to shop for real food." are silly and usually irrational. On $168 dollars a month I could pay for all my meals. Not just one a day.

The second type and should be more pressing is the fast food guilt that results from how much excess food we eat. It is difficult to ignore the cashier who tells you that for only 25 cents more you can upgrade to a Biggie size! The penny pincher in you says that it is such a good deal that you shouldn't pass it up. However the next problem that arises is one that I blame on our parents.

As a product of the late 20th century, our habits come from what our parents taught us and they of course learned from what their parents instilled in them. If your grandparents are of the same generation that mine are, they remember WWII and also the Great Depression. Our grandparents remember when food was rationed and work was scarce and people were just scraping by. Because of this, they in turn instilled in their children (our parents) that everything we have could be taken away at any moment. The way they did this was by making every cent and scrap of food count. My Oma could make a can of tuna feed 50 by adding a supplement common in food storage known as TVP. I have no idea what this actually is composed of but I know my uncles weren't very fond of it. To this day my Oma continues to be extremely frugal with her money and probably has enough food to feed her children, grandchildren AND great-granchildren for at least a year and she lives by herself. This is a byproduct of her upbringing. In return our parents (or at the very least mine) told us that we must eat everything on our plates at meals because they are starving children in Africa (or more specifically Ethiopia, or some other 3rd world country) As a result America has become an obese nation and there are still starving children in Africa. (It really is a ridiculous notion that eating all of OUR food will somehow benefit the hungry or make us feel grateful for something we have never had to go without) Fast forward to now and because of my upbringing, I have a difficult time not finishing all my food when it is placed before me whether I am hungry or not. So to upgrade to Biggie size is not just a mere quarter but also adds up to a lot more empty, useless and ultimately unfulfilling calories. Luckily with the health craze more fast food establishments are offering alternatives to fries, like potatos and apple slices and such. You can also now get a pretty decent salad at most fast food places as well.

The purpose of telling you all of this is to report that my #1 concern (aka moola) is becoming more obsolete. With the economy what it is and everyone being in a panic about gas prices, Taco Bell has improved the dollar menu. I have not had a vehicle for at least two months now and no groceries, so when on the road for work I stop and get things at the evil, vile money sucking holes that serve fast food. Taco Bell now has some pretty hefty meal options for only 79 cents. The problem I have had with "dollar menus" is that usually the food is not substantial enough to make a difference anyway so you might as well spring for the full meal. NO MORE I tell you. I can now get a substantial meal for as little as $2.37! (plus tax). I may in fact be starting a new anonymous group, much like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I believe we shall be called GAFFA. Guilt About Fast Food Anonymous. I know it's lengthy and not really the same format, but until I can come up with something more clever that's what you get.

I'm thinking about pizza for dinner. That doesn't count, right?

Moab, the Adventure

I love the outdoors. It just doesn't get any better than white water river rafting with friends, or laying on grass under the sun with a cool breeze blowing. Luckily I spent the last weekend doing both of those things and more. I don't have much more to say other than I will share some of my favorite pictures from the weekend.

Cliques, Frustration and Panic

I spent this last weekend doing some of my favorite things: not going to work, river rafting, taking pictures, and sleeping under the stars. Not a bad way to spend three days. The locale for this wonderous event was Moab, Utah. I went down with 70 to 80 of my closest friends. Okay, not really because as it turns out there were quite a few that I did not know. It was an unusual weekend in that only one of my closest friends was able to attend. My bestest pal was elsewhere and my roommates decided that going to Africa later this year was more important. So I found myself in unfamiliar territory for the first time in a long time. Even the people I traveled with were unfamiliar to me. It gave me an opportunity to sit back and observe which I like to do anyway. I started to get irritated when I noticed how exclusive some people were being. The weekend was not really structured in any way, except that we all met for dinner and to sleep, breakfast, then would part our ways to go about whatever activities in the area we so desired. The ridiculous lengths that people would go to keep other people from joining in activities was just plain mean. I was left to wonder if I have just been oblivious to the division in lines or it just becomes more apparent when in such a setting. I was especially irritated when I found myself on the losing end of several, if not most, of these situations.

I have mentioned before that I have a tendency to be a cynic when it comes to relationships and anyone who knows me well will attest to it. I have been desperately trying to be more positive and willing to see the good in men but I have had some not so good examples, especially of late. It also doesn't help that my roommates have also had run-ins lately with guys who destroy our hope and faith. I met someone this weekend who apparently had heard of my outspoken views (probably not a good thing) and wanted me to elaborate. I was reluctant for several reasons, the first being that I was in mixed company and some of my frustration stemmed from the people who were there and I didn't want to single them out. I also didn't want to discuss it because I truly want to change that aspect of my personality. I am trying to cut down on my reflexive cynicism, not encourage it. None of this has done anything to alleviate my frustration, if anything I have found myself lately becoming angry on a more regular basis, which is unusual for me. I'm pretty sure there is a chill pill somewhere out there with my name on it.

I have also not been feeling well lately. My symptoms have been sort of generalized and non-specific so I have just chugged along and ignored most of them. The last few days have seen an increase in my symptoms so I finally logged onto WebMd's handy-dandy symptom checker. I imagine that this is a very valuable resource for some people, however for those of us prone to unnecessary worry, maybe we should stay away from things like this. After entering in my symptoms I have now terrified myself into actually seeing a doctor, mostly because some of the possible causes of my symptoms included MS, cancer, chronic fatigue, mononucleosis, and a myriad of other worrisome things. Especially since I have a tendency to ignore things until it becomes impossible to do so which is the case now. So, wish me luck or whatever as I fret until I actually see a doctor on Wednesday. Though with my recent attitude I wouldn't blame you for telling me to stop being such a girl and tough it out.

Trappings of the high class

So we all hear about how everything is different when you're rich and the perks that come with it. The fanciful stories of bathroom attendants and gold plated silverware. There is usually a difference in vocabulary when you are rich because it is assumed that you are also well educated. Yesterday I stumbled upon a difference in the road signs in rich neighborhoods. I was on my way to Park City and one of the places I was supposed to stop was in Jeremy Ranch. For those who don't know, Jeremy Ranch is a seriously rich and extravagant community a few miles from Park City. As I was navigating the neighborhood I came upon a road sign that was a very nice explanation that on the road ahead there were some "speed humps." Not speed bumps like everywhere else, but speed humps. The sign also went on to explain that the speed humps were an effort to keep traffic speed down. Sigh........ I have never come across an explanation road sign before. If we had road signs to explain the next road sign for everything there would be no end to the road signs. I guess that's something we of the underclass can be grateful for, we don't need everything explained to us in detail. The transportation department thinks we can figure it out on our own....... or they're to cheap to bother. If they are going to explain anything, I'd like them to start with an explanation of the I-80 reconstruction or the horrendous mess that has become 33rd south.

Not unfounded

It's funny how a few hours can change a lot of things. I blogged only hours ago about my attempts to curb my cynicism in relation to men. Why do they insist on proving to me that my generalizations and assumptions are correct? I absolutely abhor arrogance and am very annoyed when I have to tolerate someone with an over-inflated ego. I have an extremely difficult time asking for help because for some reason I seem to need to prove that I am tough and can make it without a man. I don't know who I am trying to prove this to, but the end result is that people assume that I am a tough broad and usually pay little attention to my needs. However, I have been trying to be humble enough to ask for help when I need it. Today I approached a group of 5 men and asked if I could have their help with unloading the last of my things into my new residence. I had already packed everything in my truck (with the help of my best pal) and just needed assistance in unloading. My friend and I also needed help tearing up the carpet in my old apartment so they could put in new carpet tomorrow. After making my request I was met with silence. It was like talking to a brick wall! They didn't even bother to give me excuses they just said nothing. I wasn't asking complete strangers or even casual acquaintances. I was asking guys who are supposedly part of my inner circle. Needless to say none of them showed up. Shocker! One of them did at least call me to give an excuse, a very lame one, but an excuse nonetheless. No wonder I'm cynical if they are my examples!

To top it all off one of my new neighbors apparently called the police to report my car. My non-functioning car has been parked on the street since mid-March because it needs a new starter. In that time my registration has expired and one of my tires has lost a great deal of air. The police upon learning that my car had been there that long, knocked on the door and informed my roommates that if it wasn't moved by 8 p.m. they were going to tow the vehicle. Grrrr! I wrangled a few of the non-arrogant and very accommodating guys I know from family home evening to help me push it into my driveway. Hey, good news though! I have a vacation coming up on Thursday. It will hopefully be a much needed respite from the hole that seems to be my life right now.

Reflexive cynicism

I have a horrible habit of assuming the worst when it comes to the motives of men. Granted, they haven't given me any reason so far not to be. I have been making a concerted effort to not be so cynical and to be less cynical it means I need to have faith and hope in the opposite sex. I really am trying to be positive. I became aware of how cynical I was when a dear friend made some kind of comment saying I wouldn't be me if I wasn't cynical. Ouch. It was one of those moments of pure epiphany that has a profound affect. I have spent the last 3 months struggling with it and I thought I was doing better until yesterday. In my ward if you are a new member they announce your name and make you do a pirouette. The purpose of this is to give everyone a chance to ogle you. Okay, not really it is supposed to foster recognition and perhaps the motivation to welcome the newbie. However, there is usually a comment made about how when you pirouette it is to let all the boys/girls (depending on your gender) see how cute you are. I became a little irritated yesterday when 6 or 7 new girls where asked to stand and then the boys were told to appreciate the beautiful women who just joined our ward. I then had some reflexive cynicism, much like word vomit. It was not on purpose but definitely how I usually feel. My response was well, they don't appreciate the ones they already know so why should these new ones be any different? I happened to be sitting next to a guy that I am casual acquaintances with and he turned to me and kind of laughed. I of course felt the need to explain that I really didn't mean it, but really did and was trying not to be so cynical. Sigh, I'm going to keep trying and hopefully one day someone will show me that my new found faith and hope in men is not unfounded, but I doubt that all of that can be blamed on them anyway.

Thankful for the little things

I have been rather pensive of late and mostly because I have taken several work-related road trips that require me to be alone in a car for many hours. I love driving,..... up to a certain point. The stretch of road between Payson and Cedar is an absolute borefest. I have also started to have an obsession with clouds. I love nature in all it's beauty, especially in the spring. (Imagine my dismay that it snowed today, shouldn't we be done by May?) The result of all this thinking time is that I have delved deep into my soul to examine where I am in life at this point. To examine where I am now, it means I also need to relive my past and make comparisons. I have had some unexpected changes in my social and familial life that was the catalyst that prompted most of this thinking. All in all I would have to say that life could always be better, but I am satisfied with where I am at right now. I think that so often we get caught up in the day to day workings of our lives that we forget to take stock and realize that we have so many things to be thankful for. I decided to share with you some of the things that I am thankful for.

• spring breezes and blooming flowers

• the willpower to give up soda

• supportive and perceptive friends

• modern medicine

• loving grandparents

• a soft bed and warm blankets

• a knowledge of my purpose in life

• tasty delicious meat

• dark chocolate