The Impossible Dream

We as girls do funny things when it comes to romance. We plan everything out to the littlest detail. How our future husband will propose, what our dress will look like, what color your children's eyes will be, etc. A great deal of these things are of course either impossible or improbable. If we went off the imagination of a younger me, I would marry my high school sweetheart (if I had one), live in a cabin in the woods and compose music at my grand piano while our children went to school and my husband worked in the church office building. Not totally far-fetched but probably too optimistic.

Sometimes we bring an element of fantasy to dating and life and think that once we reach a certain goal, like marriage, then everything will be different. I like to call this the "Happily Ever After Syndrome." While I admire the optimism people who view things like this have, let's face it, that is not reality. There is a line from something that says "Happily ever afters are just stories that aren't done yet." I used to have a fantasy that this one guy I was totally in love with would wake up one morning, realize that his model perfect wife was not the one for him and divorce her only to then seek me out because we were "meant to be." My fantasy was fueled by a lack of closure to the on-again/off-again relationship I had had with this guy for a number of years. Eventually that faded as I realized how improbable that was and I recovered enough to move on.

Dreams are great and can boost your spirit, but sometimes they help you cling to the impossible. Clinging to the impossible doesn't help us move on and is probably not healthy for an extended length of time. Hopefully it helps us learn to accept reality and perhaps realize that life is almost never going take the path that we think. I know that I am not where I expected to be at this point in my life, but I really am okay with that. I have faith that good things still await me, I just have to be patient and cherish this time I have to work on the things that will make me a better person to be around as a friend, future mother and wife.

When it rains it pours?

I don't necessarily like the analogy of when it rains it pours. For most people this phrase has a negative connotation to it. So I hesitate to use it, however I don't know how else to explain it. I happen to enjoy a good warm rain (as long as I didn't straighten my hair that day) I especially love the smell of wet concrete and dirt after it has rained. Everything smells new and fresh. Anyway the reason I mention it is that recently I have been going through a bit of a love life dry spell, and by a bit I mean 4 or 5 years (I stopped counting.) As Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." In the spirit of undoing or healing my insanity I have made several attitude and lifestyle changes of late. The results have been shocking, because as I said before, when it rains it pours. The new turn of events has left me a little bewildered and unsure what to do next. Last time I dealt with this much "rain" was........... well, never. So I will grab my umbrella and hope that the rain helps something blossom. Preferably something hearty and long-lasting. One does get tired of planting seeds over and over again with little or no resulting blooms.

Things that MUST go!

My favorite radio station does a feature called things that must go, but mine never get chosen so I decided to vent a few of them here.

• Drivers that don't turn their headlights on when it's snowing. I don't care if it's only 2 in the afternoon, it's dark and I can't see you!
• People who scrape off only a tiny patch of snow of the rear window of their car. I know you learned about blind spots so don't make it worse by being an idiot.
• The mail carrier not showing up until almost 7pm. Hire some more mail carriers! You charge enough for postage, there has got to be more money somewhere.
• Drivers who act like they don't know that two lanes merge into one and whip past everyone else and expect to be let in at the last moment.
• Concert attendees and movie goers that don't silence their phones.
• Automated phone systems that don't let you type in your selection but make you speak it. I said 6 not 9. They don't sound anything alike!
• Recorded sales calls. I answer the phone at work quite a bit and half the time it is someone telling me that we have been approved for some kind of small business loan. At the end of the recorded spiel they ask you to hold for the next available representative. Annoying!
• Parents who call asking if their kid in college can have a summer job. Your child is in college, they can make the call themselves, I don't care if it's long distance we have an 800 number.
• Unfunny people who upon learning my name ask if I drive real fast just because I happen to share the same name as an Indy racer. Guess what? I had the name first. And if that's how we're going to play, did you have a good time with Pocahontas, John Smith?
• People who mispronounce my name AFTER I have already introduced myself to them. So basically what you are saying is that you weren't listening!
• Road damage. I not only have to deal with I-80 reconstruction, but also a residential street that is so deteriorated by salt that I think magma might start to seep through, and a poorly covered railroad track that is like jumping a curb every time you go over it because the once smooth incline has chipped away. My tires are going to pop one of these days, I just know it.

For my list of songs that must go check out my other blog. Until next time, Ciao!

Kiss Me, I'm Irish!

We have some funny ideas about holidays here in the U.S. I recently saw a beer commercial that directed people to a website where they could sign a petition to make St. Patrick's Day a national holiday. I am all for more holidays that get me out of working, (banks certainly don't need anymore) but I just thought it a bit ridiculous. I realize that this would be a major coup for the liquor industry because heaven knows we don't have enough drinking related holidays. (Fat Tuesday, New Years, Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July)But how many people actually know why we celebrate St. Patrick's Day? If you really want to know click here.

I was out and about on St. Patrick's and happened to be driving by one of the liquor stores here in Salt Lake. I was slightly amused to observe 5 men in their 70's get out of a Cadillac and go into the liquor store. Now the amusing part is not that they were going into the liquor store, but the fact that they were dressed in kilts and everything that goes with it. I admire these men because although they are spending the day doing what a great majority of people do on this holiday, I bet they actually know why it is celebrated. The reason for the kilts? St. Patrick while lauded as an Irish saint was in fact born in Scotland.

In closing here are a few pictures from the "Kiss Me I'm Irish" party I went to.

Your government at work!

Have you ever driven past those digital speed limit signs that tell you to slow down if you are going over? Typically they are in residential areas and I ran across one today that I had to take a picture of because if you go over 25 it warns you to slow down. Now take a look at the red arrows and tell me what is wrong with this picture.

Caving In

I finally caved and started watching American Idol last week. I watched the first couple of seasons off and on but the only one I watched regularly was the season with Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard. A combination of factors prevented me from watching it the last couple of years, mostly working late and I have a difficult time watching people who think they are good embarrass themselves on national TV. I kept hearing that this year was different blah, blah, blah,.... the best talent ever. I've been doing a lot of work from home lately and it helps to have something on in the background so I tuned in last week which just happened to coincide with the beginning of the top 12. I was actually impressed with most of the people and have become a gigantic fan of Brooke White. (She did an awesome rendition of "Let It Be" while accompanying herself on the piano) I did however have the misfortune of listening to a girl (can't remember her name) butcher and desecrate "Eight Days a Week" country style. She truly did the worst followed not so closely by Utah's own David Archuleta. However since Idol is sometimes a popularity contest (which is one of the reasons I don't watch) they booted off a guy that from what I saw deserved to stay. The point of this all is that Fox has once again used the tried and true method of media saturation to entice me into watching and it worked. I am left with only one conclusion. Despite what I would like to think, maybe I am a lemming and can't help but follow the crowd. If that's true I'd at least like to think that maybe I am one of the lemmings at the back of the pack,............ you know the ones who pause before jumping off the cliff after everyone else.

Reconciling the two halves

I have made some lifestyle changes of late which have involved the inclusion and exclusion of certain influences in my life. These were by no means easy decisions but it came down to whether I wanted to be happy or to continue to carry loads that are not mine to carry. Part of the difficulty was that I was actually willing to share the burdens but was thwarted at every turn in my efforts. I finally had to realize that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Especially because they have to want to help themselves first which has come to seem less and less likely as time has gone on. Another difficulty was the reluctance of said parties to communicate, which for someone like me who does nothing but communicate (sometimes to excess) is extremely frustrating. In the time period since making these changes I have had momentary lapses in my resolve that has ususally ended with being spurned once again. The other consequences of these momentary lapses has been that I am met with silent disapproval from a dear friend who thinks that the changes I have made will be better for me. The reason I mention this now is that I am feeling a bit of guilt. My guilt has several origins the first being that it should not matter to me what my friend who silently disapproves thinks, but I do believe she only has my best interests at heart. Second being that I can't help but feel that my part in all of this has some purpose and that it's not over yet. Third for me to continue to have a part in anything that goes on it would mean that I must swallow a great deal of my pride and initiate contact once again. Besides my pride, the reason I am reluctant to do so is that part of the reason for removing myself from these situations is that I felt like all I was ever doing was initiating contact which can make you start to wonder how desirable your company is after a while. Especially when once you do plan something, they flake out on you time and time again. It is definitely not easy on the ego. So my delimma is this, do I cave into the guilt or simply leave things as they are? I am just so weary at this point that all I really want is for one of these individuals to care enough to want to initiate contact on their own. Unfortunately I don't see that happening anytime soon because it means that they would have had to have cared in the first place.

The Lighter side of Debt

I came across this card at work the other day and couldn't help sharing it because I don't know why anyone would send it.

You decide.

Embarrassing Moments

Embarrassing moment #1: I spent the night in Logan on Friday after visiting some clients in the area. The reason I stayed overnight was because I had a date up there and I was also meeting some friends the next morning. I was getting ready for my date when he showed up a little early. So I quickly finished what I was doing and we left. The date was a little awkward and I didn't know why and was getting rather frustrated as this is not our first interaction. In fact this was our 10th interaction and so for things to be awkward was just...... weird. I was irritated because I felt like I was making all this effort to make it an enjoyable date whereas my date didn't seem to care. We went to dinner and then he suggested we walk around PetSmart. I believe part of his motivation for that was because he was figuring out how to ditch me as soon as he could figure out an excuse. As we are walking around PetSmart looking at all the cute animals and I was trying to engage him in conversation, I felt at the collar of my shirt. I was wearing a black sweater that had the built in inserts so that it looks like you have a button up on underneath. To my absolute horror I realized that my shirt was inside out. I had been walking around for about 2 hours with my shirt inside-out! I gracefully excused myself to the restroom where I rectified the situation. Not too long after this I was dumped, although I doubt there was a correlation between the two. There's nothing like hearing your date say that they are "tired." Getting dumped was not the way I had expected to spend the night before my birthday. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Embarrassing moment #2: I went to a friends choral concert Saturday night and then went to dinner with him and two of our friends afterwards. I am quite well known for spilling food down the front of my shirt and this night was no exception. I had ordered a very delicious seafood pasta dish and was regaling the three boys I was with of my escapades from the night before. (see embarrassing moment #1) I tend to gesture with my hands and happened to be doing this with a forkful of pasta. Of course with all this gesturing I was doing I managed to flip a piece of pasta not just onto my shirt, but down the front of it. I was not about to let it stay there since there was also sauce all over the pasta, and not really caring who was looking, I began to take care of the problem. My dinner companions had the decency to snicker and look away while I wiped up the mess but there was a male server who stood there and STARED at me while I was retrieving the pasta. And this was not the sly corner of the eye stare, he was looking straight at me! I was less mortified by this than the shirt inside-out instance but I've decided not to protest when my dad calls me "Calamity Jane," recently it seems pretty appropriate.

Birthday roses from the birthday camera

You may be wondering why there is a picture of roses here. Mostly it's because I got a camera for my birthday and was just too darn excited and had to use it. Amazing quality isn't it? I just couldn't help myself.

Swing and a Miss

I am not particularly fond of stereotypes and don't usually like to perpetuate them. I cannot claim however that in moments of bitterness that I don't align myself with those attached to men. I do have a problem however when people use them in a general derogatory way. Yesterday I had two instances of blatant sexism and racism that threw me for a loop.

The first one occurred while I was talking to someone and they quite seriously asked "if anyone spoke English," and then proceeded to tell me that the people I associate with probably crawled under a fence or hid in the back of a van to get here. Admittedly this person was angry about a certain situation but I didn't appreciate a perfect stranger making comments like that. Granted I am a pretty pasty white, but that doesn't mean that maybe I don't hail from across the border or have a family member that does. This kind of elitist racism is an abomination and if the situation had been different I would have given the guy a piece of my mind.

The second situation occurred while I was discussing photo albums with again a perfect stranger. He was asking me some questions and was trying to think of a particular word that was eluding him. He proceeded to turn to me, the only female of the group, and ask what it was. I had no idea and he said, "Of course you do. All women scrapbook." Actually, no I don't. I do like to watch college football and take apart computers though. In fact, I have quite a few male friends who enjoy musicals and some of them even like chick flicks. Are these gender benders? Not really.

I guess the problem I had with both of these instances was that they were both complete strangers. I happen to believe that it is different than when you are sitting around with your girlfriends perpetuating stereotypes about men. You all know that it's not really true (or at least you hope so) and that one day someone will prove to you that not all men are selfish, ego-driven masochists determined to have the most unrealistic expectations for women ever. (I know I'm starting to sound bitter and cynical. Products of being recently dumped) So may I suggest that even though this is "a white man's world" that perhaps in the 21st century that we should be moving past racism and sexism toward hopefully a brighter future? One where gas doesn't cost $3.19 a gallon and where we might actually be able to attend to the important issues, ........ like why American Idol has better voter turnout than a presidential election.

The Delicate Balance

There exists a delicate balance between pessimism and optimism. I speak today of the kind that relates to dating and relationships. As I am now in my late 20's and as am yet unattached, there are certain assumptions that can be made. One, I have not found someone willing to tolerate my idiosyncrasies. Two, any previous relationships I may have had have ended with a parting of ways. Three, there is still someone out there for me.

I came to the conclusion a couple of months ago that I needed a different way to meet people than just my singles ward. One reason being that I believe church should be a place to worship, not scope out the prospects. (Not to say that I don't do it anyway, it's just not my main focus) I also have been taking an institute class at the U. I recently have decided to try meeting people online. There is an element of intrigue and also a detachment to the screening process. If you don't like someone, you don't have to talk to them. I have chatted online with several people but so far have only spoken on the phone with one person. Something about his emails struck a chord with me and so we have been communicating on a regular basis. Through our almost daily chats I have become quite fond of this guy and have found myself with an interesting dilemma. We are the sum of our experiences. Whether they spoil us or make us stronger is entirely up to us. Now previous experience has ingrained in me the natural tendency to be pessimistic of any possible romance. But, one of the things I truly believe is that we make our own luck. If you go into a situation expecting the worst, 9 times out of 10 you will be right. But there is also a danger in being too optimistic. If you expect too much or have too much hope the pain is greater if things don't work out. So how do you find the balance? I don't know. But one thing I do know is that though my experiences tell me to be pessimistic I can't help but be optimistic this time. It's a scary thing optimism, especially when you are not accustomed to it. So all I can do is be positive and take comfort in the fact that no matter the outcome, I probably won't regret taking a chance. Because, like I said, positive or negative we are the sum of our experiences it is what we choose to do with those experiences that makes the difference.

Another sign of the Apocolypse

Tragic news friends. Arby's has discontinued their chicken finger strip thingies. I had heard rumors of it but had to go and see it for myself. I didn't see it on their menu but asked for it anyway and was told by the nice young man at the window that they no longer carry them. I expressed shock and disbelief and he asked me not to hate him. I promised not to hate him but only if he would let me try their new chocolate turnover. (My feminine wiles only work on those over the age of 70 or under the age of 18, this kid had to be at the most 17) Despite my obvious disappointment at losing such a treasured staple of my diet, I managed to find something else on their menu that would satisfy my carnivorous appetite. My concern is that does this mean I have to go to KFC for my fried chicken needs? While I do enjoy the occasional trip to KFC, I find it a little greasy and usually end up feeling like I ate a lead balloon. Whereas with Arby's chicken I ended up feeling full without wanting to lie down and sleep for 3 days. I tell you the disappearance of the Arby's chicken finger strip thingies and the fact that gas costs $3.19 a gallon for the cheap stuff just proves to me that Armageddon is on it's way and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I wonder if it's too late to start building that fallout shelter I have planned for under the shed out back?

Who knew they had it in them?

I really needed to get out tonight and didn't really care what I did so when my roommate suggested a movie I acquiesed. She wanted to go see "The Other Boelyn Girl" and while I wasn't particularly seeking out that movie I just didn't care what it was. When I first saw the previews for the movie I was thinking that it probably was not going to be very good. Scarlett Johanssen and Natalie Portman in a period piece? But I was pleasantly surprised at the depth of the performances and thought the movie was very well done. I in fact would not mind seeing that movie again sometime in the future. Kristin Scott Thomas did an impressive job as the mother of the Boelyn girls and the plot didn't call for it but I would have loved to have seen more of her. I think that probably my favorite performance had to be that of Natalie Portman. She brought complexity to what could have easily been a flat, one note performance. If anyone was sitting on the fence about this movie I would suggest giving it a try, it might just surprise you.

A Retraction

I am going to have to retract a previous post in which I claimed that I am not a dumb person. Multiple examples today have proven me wrong. To start with, I have had a lot on my mind in the last 2 weeks, but especially the last 24 hours. I was really anxious about something and was doing quite a bit of venting to my fabulous roommate while driving. (I realize that htis was not necessarily a smart thing.) So number one, I pulled into the gas station and realized that my gas tank was on the other side of my car. No big deal except it's not like this is a new car, I have had this car for, wow, four years now. Fine slight oversight. The next one, not so much. My shower drain has been running a little slow so, last night while doing my midnight shopping, I purchased some Drano. After emptying half the bottle in the drain, nothing happened. A little more drainage but the water seemed to be going a whole lot of nowhere. So I went to bed at 5 this morning thinking that I would just check it in the morning. And this morning nothing had changed. So I poured the rest of the bottle in the tub. When that did nothing, I got a screwdriver and removed the drain to see if there was something I could pull out. Still, nothing. I then attempted to use a plunger. By this time my hands are getting pruney from being submerged in a chemical bleach infested mess. I have been leaning over the tub for approximately an hour when I decided to pay more attention to the actual tub and I notice, ....... ta da! The lever to plug the tub is engaged. Yes folks, the drain was being plugged not by some massive hairball but by the mechanism whose specific intention it is to plug the drain. Sigh. Good news though, it's no longer draining slow!

Murphy's Law (or Hildegarde's "Luck")

Why is it that you never run into people you know when you look fabulous? Or even at decent times of the day? I had a pretty crappy night and I was bored and nothing good was on TV (shocking, I know) and I wasn't ready to turn in for the night either. So I decided to make my way to the nearest superstore, mostly because it was 11:30 and nothing else was open. I had already taken off my makeup and thrown on THE rattiest sweater and pair of jeans that I own. Not to mention that I was shopping by my lonesome at midnight on a Friday. I was in such a foul mood that I was not even attempting to look happy. Everything about me simply screamed loser. So of course I end up running into someone that I haven't seen in almost 9 years. I actually saw him coming and considered turning away and pretending I didn't recognize him, but the aisles were all blocked by merchandise awaiting the overnight stockers and I had nowhere to go. So of course we stopped and said hello. He remembered my name, I remembered his, he introduced me to his finacee. Which of course is always how these things go. I always wonder what kind of conversation happens after that. How does he explain our relationship? Yes we went to high school together and in fact his brother is my age and my sister is his. But, if I remember correctly he was one of my fun cuddle buddies. You know those guys, the touchy feely ones that are fun to flirt with because nothing will ever happen and its an unspoken agreement between the two of you. Now I doubt that's what he told his fiancee, but who knows?
Does it ultimately matter? Not really. But I still wish I could have looked like the normal me. Maybe he wouldn't have recognized me!