Sheldon: I believe you know why I'm here.
Penny: I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses, and report back to your alien overlords.
Sheldon: The four of you are three of my closest friends, and one treasured acquaintance.
Sheldon: Given that St. Valentine was a 3rd century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Modern Family
Manny: You have a laugh that makes science lab seem like recess.
Phil: You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation. {referring to alcohol}
Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.
Community
Winger: She has more fights about something that doesn't matter than a Youtube comments channel.
Jeff: Vaughn doesn't ever wear shoes or a shirt. How has he not died from a lack of service?
Shirley: I believe that fusing brownies with the Internet is going to create the next Napster for brownies.
Jeff: Can't I be the friend in the group whose trademark is his well-defined boundaries like Privacy Smurf, Discrete Bear or Confidentiality Spice?
The Office
Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw, Mose and I seesaw all the time.
Michael: How's everybody doing?
Jim: Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half.
Michael: That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus ruined the party. Petulant Jesus.
Angela: Are you serious? That is so offensive.
Ryan: Okay. So, um. Listen. I know about your diabolical plan.
Dwight: What?! "Diabolical plan?" I wouldn't even know how to begin-
Ryan: [holds up My Diabolical Plan by Dwight K. Schrute] I found a copy of it in the copier tray.
Dwight: In an ideal world I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
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