Nomobiphobia

I learned a new word today: nomobiphobia. Any ideas what it is? It is a "no mobile phone phobia." Yes, there is now an actual phobia. And tragically, I have been afflicted by it before. How crazy is it that this is something we need to define?? I'm going to sound super-old here but I remember getting my first cell phone at the age of 19 and not using it very much. I also remember when they first came out with camera phones and how ridiculous I thought that was because who needs to take pictures that urgently? Fast forward 18 months later and I have a camera phone. Then I couldn't believe that people would actually pay for data plans on their phones just to access the internet. How lame was that? Then there was the touch phone, and finally the "smart" phone. All things that I vehemently insisted that I would not need, and of course I now own a smart phone and it has been one of the greatest purchases I have ever made.

Wait, what?

I had to purchase a smart phone a couple of months ago because my boss kept sending my messages that I couldn't access because I didn't have a smart phone. I finally broke down and bought one and ironically don't have that job anymore. Whatever. Two months after making the transition to smart phone mine was refusing to hold a charge. (Probably because I dropped it in a glass of water...) After replacing my battery and my charger my provider finally just exchanged out my phone for another. However during this time I went a whole 36 hours without a working phone. It was terrifying! I kept feeling phantom phone vibrations and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety that someone was trying to get a hold of me. I was positive that I was missing something life changing that I would not know about until it was too late. Miraculously the world continued on as normal and when I got my new phone I had not been called upon to save the world or anything of the sort. And someone please tell me why six year old's have cell phones?? This disturbs me. No child needs to talk or text their friend that badly.

I've decided that my generation is getting "old" way to fast. The way technology is advancing in my lifetime alone is astonishing. Does anyone even remember laser discs? I still have one simply for the nostalgia of it. When I showed it to the kids I used to teach they thought I was insane.

I am way too "plugged in" with my smart phone, laptop and everything else. I've made a decided effort lately to be more cautious about how much time I am spending on the internet. I have definitely cut down on my Facebook time but am trying to make an effort to spend time "unplugged." I've been leaving my phone in another room for hours while I do other things. Gasp! The horror. But guess what? I'm still living. I didn't miss a call from Jeremy Renner professing his undying love. I was not called upon by the United Nations to be an ambassador for the aliens that recently landed in Idaho. I am okay. Mostly. Nomobiphobia cured?

Hoarding: The Epiphany

I had an epiphany today while watching TLC's "Hoarding: Buried Alive." I get a sick satisfaction from watching this show and I think it comes from knowing that my life could be worse. But can it really? Here's where the epiphany comes in. It was vocalized by the subject of this particular episode. She explained that her hoarding started because she was lonely and that having all these things made her feel safe and secure. That statement resonates with me but in relation to my food issues instead of hoarding. She went on to explain that once she realized how awful she had let her hoarding become she was overcome by the massive changes it would require to fix it. I feel the same way about my weight. She then went on to explain why she had not made the effort to start changing. If she couldn’t fix the hoarding it would be yet another failure to add to the list. This woman spoke what I feel.  How is her addiction to objects any different from my addiction to food? We are both striving to replace the same thing.

Here is what I mean. It is a given that life is most likely not going to turn out how we plan. Things happen beyond our control. By the age of 31 I had fully intended to be married to a wonderful husband, with beautiful children, have a degree in music and be teaching piano while raising my children. The reality is that I am single, do not have a college degree, unemployed and living with my parents and no prospects for marriage or career.

I don’t want pity. I don’t write any of this because I want someone to fix me or feel bad for me because on a daily basis and in general I don’t feel as overwhelmed as this sounds. The aggravation came from losing a job that I really liked and realizing that my baby sister is going to be married soon. But the truth of it is that as much as I know I need to make some changes in my life, I’m scared to. What if I can’t do it? It would be one more failure to add to the ever growing list. Then there is the flip side. What if I do make the changes? I have felt that part of the reason I am single is because I can’t find someone to look beyond my weight. I want to find someone who will love me for me but the reality is that I am more likely to find someone if I lose some weight. At the same time what if I lose weight and still can’t find someone to love me? That thought terrifies me. So I reject others before they reject me by not doing anything at all, thinking that if it is really meant to be someone will break through my walls. If I want to end the aching loneliness, longing for companionship and gut-wrenching loss as my child bearing years pass by, I have to change. Me. The world is not going to change for me.