Hoarding: The Epiphany

I had an epiphany today while watching TLC's "Hoarding: Buried Alive." I get a sick satisfaction from watching this show and I think it comes from knowing that my life could be worse. But can it really? Here's where the epiphany comes in. It was vocalized by the subject of this particular episode. She explained that her hoarding started because she was lonely and that having all these things made her feel safe and secure. That statement resonates with me but in relation to my food issues instead of hoarding. She went on to explain that once she realized how awful she had let her hoarding become she was overcome by the massive changes it would require to fix it. I feel the same way about my weight. She then went on to explain why she had not made the effort to start changing. If she couldn’t fix the hoarding it would be yet another failure to add to the list. This woman spoke what I feel.  How is her addiction to objects any different from my addiction to food? We are both striving to replace the same thing.

Here is what I mean. It is a given that life is most likely not going to turn out how we plan. Things happen beyond our control. By the age of 31 I had fully intended to be married to a wonderful husband, with beautiful children, have a degree in music and be teaching piano while raising my children. The reality is that I am single, do not have a college degree, unemployed and living with my parents and no prospects for marriage or career.

I don’t want pity. I don’t write any of this because I want someone to fix me or feel bad for me because on a daily basis and in general I don’t feel as overwhelmed as this sounds. The aggravation came from losing a job that I really liked and realizing that my baby sister is going to be married soon. But the truth of it is that as much as I know I need to make some changes in my life, I’m scared to. What if I can’t do it? It would be one more failure to add to the ever growing list. Then there is the flip side. What if I do make the changes? I have felt that part of the reason I am single is because I can’t find someone to look beyond my weight. I want to find someone who will love me for me but the reality is that I am more likely to find someone if I lose some weight. At the same time what if I lose weight and still can’t find someone to love me? That thought terrifies me. So I reject others before they reject me by not doing anything at all, thinking that if it is really meant to be someone will break through my walls. If I want to end the aching loneliness, longing for companionship and gut-wrenching loss as my child bearing years pass by, I have to change. Me. The world is not going to change for me.