Men can be seriously delusional

Girls night can be both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to get back to my somewhat feminine roots. I enjoy hearing about all the gossip and learning about the up and coming romances, etc. etc. but it also means that they expect you to dish on your own life as well. Which may not ordinarily be a problem but I have some rather unique and delicate relationships in my life that I don't feel the need to share, nor are the intricacies of said relationships mine to share anyway. Luckily the girls I had invited were courteous enough not to pry and I respect them for that.

We came to some conclusions about men (thats what girls nights are for random ranting, bashing, comparing notes, etc) that may or may not be true, but based on our collective experience, are true for the men/boys that we currently associate with.

First, men are inherently stupid when it comes to "signals". The girls who were participating came from both ends of the spectrum. One of them, lets call her Jane, is decidedly not very subtle and will straight out tell a guy that he should ask her out. I have heard two different opinions from men on whether a girl should ask them out, either way they seem to be evenly split between thinking it's cool to thinking that the girls shouldn't do it. Jane is a very open honest person and I think that actually intimidates people who aren't sure how to react to her without all the subterfuge of "normal" dating. That said, two of the girls Hannah and Sara are complete opposites and are terrified of asking a guy out. One notable difference between these two groups is that Hannah and Sara have never had to worry about being asked on dates, whereas Jane can count the times that she has been asked on a date on just a little more than one hand. Jane's dilemma is that most of the time people think she is kidding around and that if she waited for someone to ask her, she would never date. Jane tells a story of how she and her sister would flirt, but the boys would take her sister seriously and notice the attention being given. Jane managed to somehow, with the same exact behaviors, convey the attitude of happy go lucky girl who is a nice, fun friend. Seriously, I have actually watched this experiment in action and it is true. As far as "signals" go, how do we let someone know we are interested without scaring the hell out of them? Can we set down some general guidelines so that both sexes can more adequately determine where they stand without actually having the "DTR?"

Second, men who may be physically attractive ruin their chances when they say something stupid. Let me give you an example. A particular boy that we were discussing is probably one of the most physically attractive "men" in our singles ward currently. However, when he says to you that you are number two on his list of girls that have possibilities as eternal companions and actually thinks that you should be flattered by this, we have a seriously delusional person here. Another problem is that since the women outnumber the men by AT LEAST 2:1 if not more, some of the boys assume that if a girl talks to you, you are interested in him. A similarly delusional boy in the ward told one of my friends after ONE date and talking at church a couple times, that he was afraid she was getting the wrong idea. He then proceeded to tell the story about someone he had "dated" at BYU that had read too much into their relationship. Whatever. Some of these boys seem intent on proving to us why they are in their late twenties and not married, which of course anywhere else would be acceptable but not in Utah.

Finally, (at least for here) most men will take advantage of a woman's generosity if given half a chance. As we were sharing experiences and seeking advice at least four of the six stories had a common denominator, a guy who was not treating the girl in question with the respect she deserves. None of these men were hitting the girls, or anything particularly awful like that, but simply not showing an appreciation for them. Often we are not aware until someone points it out to us. We as women want to be pampered and treated special. Even I, who has a difficult time asking for help, especially from men, want to feel desired and appreciated. The last pseudo-relationship I had was all about me giving. I would cook for him, go to all his extra-curricular college activities, arrange group outings so that he could meet a particular girl, etc., etc. He cannot claim ignorance because I had flat out told him I was interested in a relationship. I know this does not paint a favorable picture of me. I mean, seriously! I am not that person, or at least I thought I wasn't. I would like to justify myself by saying that I was whipped, I thought this was THE one. Ordinarily I don't take crap from people and will tell you if you are being rude, but I could not bring myself to do so with this guy. My friends say that he knew exactly what he was doing, but I really want to believe that he wasn't using me. I am probably wrong, but I hope not. My optimism in regards to people's character can either be quantified as naive, stupid or charming I guess. For the sake of my ego, right now we will go with charming.

So what conclusions did we come to? None of course. One of the most positive things about the night is that we have decided to spend the next 5 weeks working on specific goals as a group. We brainstormed and came up with a list of new experiences and character building exercises that will hopefully improve our quality of life. We are doing this for ourselves as women, not to live up to societal expectations imposed upon us by our religion, our families or anyone else who thinks that our path in this life is an inevitability that can't be avoided.