I Am at Heart a Non-conformist

I admit that if something is popular I am more likely NOT to want to try it. This is especially true of anything that my sister likes because she tends to get obsessed and I hear so much about it that I just don't want to know anymore. This was true for the Harry Potter books and more recently the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I finally caved and ended up enjoying both series. The difference is that I don't blather on about it excessively. It's not that I am trying to be different, I just get frustrated because I think that part of the reason that people believe or do things is because everyone else is doing it. I don't mean that people don't think for themselves, I just think that it is easier sometimes than actually taking the time and making the effort to ponder things on a deeper level than what is on the surface.

With the approaching presidential election it has been difficult for me not to engage in political conversations, something which I try not to do. I don't mind it if people want to discuss politics or issues, I just have a hard time not feeling attacked, no matter the intention. I have the unique and often lonely experience to be a liberal minded person in an extremely conservative state. I also am uniquely liberal among a family of conservatives. I am never quite sure how to respond when family members bring up politics. My sister has asked me what my views are on certain things and I have appreciated the way she has done it. I also have other people who don't TELL me that I am wrong, but bring me negative articles and point out flaws in my candidate of choosing. I read them or quitely listen but inevitably don't say anything. Mostly because I don't want to deal with it and partly because it makes me feel like they think I am stupid.

I think that people don't realize sometimes how complex "the issues" are. I have been encouraging everyone I know to register to vote and to also visit a site that solidified my positions. http://www.procon.org Not only does the site show where each candidate stands on 65 different issues, but it allows you to answer where you stand and tell you which candidate most matches with your answers.

I have to admit that even as I consider myself a non-conformist I can't help hoping that there are enough of us "non-conformists" out there that a change is coming. I don't know if I could bear another 4 years of torture. I wonder what Canada is like?

Rebuked

It's funny how we are reminded of the things we need to work on in the most poignant ways. I am in no way perfect or even close to it. I consider myself a reasonable and tolerant person, not often given to fits of rage or hysterical crying fits. In fact it is not often that I am angry with someone beyond the point of repair.

I found myself almost exactly a year ago absolutely enraged at someone who had broken a confidence. I was struggling with a relationship in my life and was seeking guidance from two friends. It was an extremely delicate situation but I knew that these two friends would keep my confidence. Or at least that's what I thought. I came to find out that one of these individuals not only had reported our conversation to more than one person, but that it came mere hours after I had specifically asked for secrecy. It may not seem like a big deal and if it had been about something silly then I would have been more forgiving. However, the information that was passed was such that it could end up ruining more than one persons life. I was absolutely devastated. I made several attempts to speak with the individual who had broken my trust, but my requests for a chat were ignored. I finally decided that it didn't matter. I was definitely not going to trust this person anymore with anything.

As the time has progressed I have not avoided this person in any way or sought to do them harm. We have a lot of the same mutual friends so I know what is going on in their life and I'm sure it is reciprocal. We have often been in the same locations, I have just chosen not to speak with this person. I am a little shocked that I still feel some animosity for this person, because it is not in my character. I'm sure that there have been clues and promptings that should have led me to realize that this was not healthy, but if there has been, I have ignored them.

Last night at Family Home Evening a friend gave a lesson about forgiveness. There is absolutely no way that I could do it justice so I won't even try to summarize it other than to say that a great deal of it came from the book "The Peacegiver," and to say that it may have taken me a while but, I get the message and consider me officially rebuked.

Ode to the bunny rabbit that until Recently occupied the parking lot at work.

Oh little bunny rabbit with the cute white nose
Why do you run from me, or hop away?
I only want to hold you and pet your pretty fur
To feed you well and keep you safe
To give you somewhere warm to sleep
Oh little brownish rabbit where have you gone?

The Moment Before Pain Begins

I received this week an email titled "The Moment Before Pain Begins." The email went as follows:

I'm pretty sure this friend doesn't what my views are so it's not a big deal. There was one more image which I have replaced with another one.

This one was more in line with my way of thinking.

My Passion

There are two parts of me that are passionate. The first and one probably best not to engage me on, is my belief in equality. I sometimes get into trouble when I discuss this particular topic because I am quite a bit more liberal than my family and community. The second part of which I speak, is a passion for music. This is the kind of passion that if I am walking down the street and hear strangers discussing Morten Lauridsen or John Rutter, I will stop and impose myself upon said strangers.

It is not until recently that I have even come to describe my feeling for music as one of passion. I am in no ways a purist either. My friend Richard, who is in his mid-twenties, knows quite a deal about classical music, but can barely name a popular musician or hum a popular tune. And I'm not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing since it has been my experience that the average rustic does not even know how to pronounce Rachmaninoff [rakhmaninof] when presented with the written name, let alone pick out any of his melodies. I myself struggle to identify country or rap artists. I love the way music has evolved into a mash of genres so that it has almost become difficult to place groups or styles into categories. I absolutely adore the latest trend of pop and rock music with string instruments. I also love the return of artists who use the piano as a main instrument, that totally rocks! There is a song by Evanescence on their latest album called Lacrimosa. The song is a rock song but is a variation on a movement from Mozart's Requiem. The blending of old and new is so intriguing to me that I have decided when I have time to go back to school it will definitely be for music history. Richard incidentally despises that song and says that it is disrespectful to Mozart. We have decided to agree to disagree because the song is fundamentally the same but just now has a rockin' beat. How does he think music evolved if no one ever took a chance to try something different?

I majored in Music Therapy when I first attempted college because I was convinced that my future should involve somehow educating the unwashed masses on the effects music has on the brain. Unfortunately a wrench and several other tools were thrown in my plan and I became another statistic of the program in that I was part of the 80% who drop the program before completion. This equates to only 6 of the 30 students accepted into the program yearly, finishing with a degree in Music Therapy. There are several reasons the drop-out rate is what it is. First, a great deal of the classes are only 1 credit, so you may only have 13 credits but it may mean that you have 8 classes. This in and of itself is insane. Second there is an extremely rigid requirement as far as how many hours a week you practice not just one instrument, but 3. And honestly now I don't remember how many it was but something atrocious like 10-15 hours per instrument. Third, there really is no job market. For as important as I believe the profession is, the field is still in it's infancy, maybe toddler, stage. Plus there are the standards for all music majors which include concert attendance and write-ups of said concerts. So as a fresh out of high school 18 year old on her own for the first time, (and not necessarily on the most stable of ground mentally) I succumbed to my weaknesses and dropped the program.

So my purpose in all this is that the last few years have been ones full of self discovery for me, and as I have discovered and defined my passions, I wonder about those around me. I think people know that I am passionate about music. I have a friend who saturates his life with literature and it's something that is very obvious after talking to him even briefly. But how many of the people we know have some kind of passion that they don't share? How many of the people we are surrounded by do not even know what their passion is? Mine is such a fundamental element of me and my personality that if you don't know yours, I encourage you to find it. And if you already have one share it. The most enjoyable conversations that I have are the ones when someone is talking to me and I can really tell that whatever they are talking about comes from a place deep in their heart.

17 years and 9 months

Sometimes I forget how things are outside my little bubble. I grew up in a diverse family and was accustomed to a pleasant blend of colors. I realized the other day after showing someone a picture of my family how often the following scenario plays out.

Typically it begins with someone meeting or seeing a picture of my family and realizing that not all of us are pasty white and that there is an unusually large cocoa brown boy in the mix. Here's how it goes:

Random person: "So is your mom Polynesian?"
Me: "No."
Random person: "So that's not your brother."
Me: "Yes, it is."
Random person: "But he's adopted."
Me: "Right."
Random person: "Are all of you adopted?"
Me: "No, only him."
Random person: "So he's not your real brother."

At this point I usually just gloss over what they have said and continue on, but it has really come to irritate me!!!! Yes he's my "real" brother. I have known him all but 31 days of his life and he has known me for the same length of time. Is 17 years and 9 months not enough to consider him my brother? Just because we don't look the same does not mean that we are not family. Part of the reason people ask if all of us siblings are adopted is because none of us really look alike. Granted my baby brother has the advantage of a permanent tan whereas I must deal with instant sunburns and an aversion to heat. Does this make us that different? We have the same parents, we lived in the same houses, we ate the same food, were expected to follow the same rules,and we both are sealed to my parents. I know that people probably just don't realize what they are saying but if they really thought about what they are saying hopefully they would realize how insulting their comments can be. I have never actually taken the time to explain to people just how ridiculous they sound, but the next time this happens I may just.