The Inevitable Disappointment of New Years Resolutions

Every year millions, if not billions of people make new year's resolutions. Whether it be to learn a new language or drop a few pounds, the inevitability of disappointment is assured yet we continue year after year to vow to better ourselves because of course this year will be different. I will apologize in advance because I am feeling extremely cynical at the moment. I have had the same goal for the past three years. Yes, three years. Have I accomplished it? No. Unfortunately for this particular goal, there is a large element of it's outcome that I cannot control. My goal is something that is probably easier to accomplish than I make it, but my personality being what it is, it is probably something that is not likely to change.

That being said how do we overcome our natural tendency to run full tilt towards something until we lose steam and our enthusiasm dissipates? One thing that I tend to do, and I believe others do as well, is that we set specific dates such as the typical January 1st. We rationalize and say that we can do whatever we want because we will start at the beginning of the year, or we will start over tomorrow, etc etc. So we continue with bad habits and then expect that we can change them overnight. It's almost charming that we can be so optimistic especially since, if you are like me, I tend to stick with the same resolutions year after year.

And here we are 24 days into the new year and I have lost all of my resolve. A couple of my girlfriends and I decided we were tired of being pudgy and have tried to make a concerted effort to exercise and occasionally eat better. Evidence of how well this is going can be taken from our outing last night. Nadia, Rose and I, were trying to figure out which Hip Hop Abs workout to do when someone suggested going out for dessert. Which we did, and then of course decided to forgo exercising because we had just gorged ourselves on deep fried cheescake, blueberry pancakes and bacon. Instead we spent the rest of the night deciding on which Europe trip we are going to be taking later this year and how we can accomplish it.

I started out all gung-ho this year as I inevitably do every year. But because of personal experiences of late, I wonder if it's worth it. Why am I trying to conform to societal standards of beauty and femininity? I don't do it because I want to. I make the attempts because I have been ingrained with the belief that this is how things are. And because I do not match up, I am an inferior person. Frankly it's ridiculous and I am aware that it is ridiculous. But my fear is that if I don't conform I will never obtain that which I desire, an eternal companion because we are always judged by our outward appearance.

So how do I handle the conundrum? I don't really. I just waffle back and forth between resigning myself to reality and stubbornly refusing to accept it. So for today, I will stand my ground and accept that I mostly like who I am. As for tomorrow? I will probably wake up early and go to the gym.

Men may be delusional, but girls are seriously crazy!

I come to you with tales of yet another girl's night. The night in general was filled with the usual activities; guilt-free fattening foods, virgin margaritas, and girl talk. A new game that I was introduced to is called "Marry, Kiss, Kill." The game is almost exactly as it sounds. Each person takes a turn and names three boys that everyone knows. From those three you have to determine who you would marry, kiss, and kill. The best rounds of the game are the ones that are not simply writing your answer down but force you to make difficult decisions. Admittedly this is sometimes not a nice game, and it requires a great deal of honesty. I have a reputation for honesty so this should have been an easy game for me. However, the problem came on Sunday when, as I passed people in the hall at church, I found myself trying to remember if I had decided to marry, kiss, or kill them. Not exactly the things that I needed to be thinking on the Sabbath.

Rose brought an article that had been emailed to her about the dangers of having friendships with members of the opposite sex. She brought it with the intention of relating to me, but as soon as the topic came up Laura became extremely defensive. (I apparently was oblivious, Rose had to point it out to me later) I knew the article was for me because Rose had mentioned it earlier in the day and I wanted to hear about it but we decided to move on to more important things, like playing a card game that is much like tarot cards and predicts who you will marry.

One of the girls, Laura, doesn not actually hang out with us a lot so I was a little surprised to see her there. As the night progressed Laura's objective for attending became obvious, but first there is some back story. My roommate just moved from Salt Lake to St. George yesterday and last weekend some of her friends threw her a goodbye party which I of course attended. My BFF Rose was sitting on a couch with a boy that both of us are quite fond of. They were innocently chatting, (and I should mention that this boy, Rick, initiated the conversation) when Laura gets all defensive that someone is talking to "her man" and actually threatens to start a fight. Grow up! Rick is not dating Laura, nor does he have any intention of doing so. Rose has interest but is waiting to see how things pan out. So back to girl's night, Laura tells the story of how close she and Rick are and how she will love him forever and then states that "he is off limits to everyone." Not too long after that she left girl's night to go be with boys. She managed to stay long enough to mark her territory and leave. Girls like her are crazy!!

Ahh, Young Lust

My weekend has been filled to the brim with estrogen which can be a nice change every once in a while. I went to see a chick flick with my mother and sister and since we live at opposite ends of the valley, we met at the theater. I arrived first and bought tickets for all of us then sat down to wait. My wait was longer than it should have been since my mother apparently didn't hear me correctly and tried to go to another set of theaters, also by a Chinese restaurant, just not the right one. While I was waiting I had the great privilege of sitting in the lobby near two couples who I doubt are even old enough to have drivers licenses. The "couple" closest to me was nauseatingly cutesy and just..... dumb. I will reconstruct the conversation as it happened. But first let me set the stage. The girl who we will call Kim is wearing a WAY too short levi skirt and fur lined boots. (I think they were Ugs, but I don't know for sure) The boy who we will call Joe is dressed in the typical teenager in angst apparel. Skinny jeans, the obligatory Ramones t-shirt and hair long enough that he could be mistaken for a girl. (In fact I think they had the same haircut) Kim is sitting on Joe's lap even though the bench we are on is 30 feet long and no one else is sitting on it.

Joe: You are so beautiful. You are the beauty queen and I am the drag queen."
Kim: You are so sweet to me! (kissy noises as they peck at each other)
Joe: "What if I was horribly disfigured? What would you do?"
Kim: "I would pay for your plastic surgery. And maybe dump you, depending on your ugliness."
Joe: "Thanks a lot. I would stand by you no matter what happened!" (more kissing)
Kim: "I really want you to try your best not to say anything mean about me."
Joe: "Umm, ok."
Kim: "Don't even think it. Okay never mind, just don't say it out loud."
Joe: "Only if you grow out your armpit hair."
Kim: "Ewww, that's gross. No way."
Joe: "It's not negotiable."
Kim: "If it's not negotiable, then I am right!" (Obviously she doesn't understand what negotiable actually means.)

There was more including a bit where they discussed robbing the cash drawer at the theater and running off to Mexico together, at which point I wanted to ask them if their parents would be dropping them off at the border or if they would hijack the school bus. It was a huge relief when I heard my sisters voice coming from the parking lot. In some ways observing a teenage interaction like that makes me realize that maybe I am grateful for my inexperience as far as young lustful relationships go.

Cynicism at it's best (or worst)

I'm feeling rather cynical and angry and all kinds of other unpleasant things so to do some venting let me just share the lyrics to one of my "angry girl" songs. This one is by Tracy Bonham and titled "Behind Every Good Woman"

Many muscles has the man
Each one has a reason
Many women felt his hand
Each one trying to please him
Imagine one day the tables could turn
Imagine one day the tables would turn

Behind every good woman lies a trail of men
Shame shame for the rooster. Hi five for the hen
Don't ask where she's going don't ask where she's been
Behind every good woman lies
A trail of men.
Something tells me that Snow White
Is smarter than we think.
Seven men at perfect height
Seven noses pink

Could happen One day the tables could turn
Imagine one day the tables would turn
Behind every good woman lies a trail of men.
Shame shame for the rooster. Hi five for the hen.
Don't ask where she's going don't ask where she's been
Behind every good woman lies a trail of men.
Behind every good woman lies a trial of men.
Shame shame for the rooster nudge nudge for the hen
Don't know where where it started or when it will end
Behind every good woman lies
A trail of men. a trail of men
You wouldn't believe the mess she's in

For some good angry girl power music try Alanis Morisette, Tracy Bonham, Poe, Pink, and Evanescence.

Feast on the Words

Along with a few other doomed to fail resolutions, I vowed to take an Institute class. I chose to attend Teachings of the Living Prophets, a class I am actually pretty excited to take. I went to the first class tonight not knowing what to expect. The last time I attended an institute class on any regular kind of basis was probably in my days at Utah State nearly 8 years ago. I also chose this class because it is not one of the gigantic ones that has to be held in a chapel. The teacher has chosen to approach the teachings of the living prophets in an intriguing way. I am not sure how I feel about it yet but I will share the key elements. Most of us know the scripture (I forget where it is) about feasting on the word of the Lord. This teacher takes it a couple of steps further and would like us to take the talks of our current prophets, seers and revelators and quantify whether their word is an appetizer, entree, vegetable or dessert. Of course each person will have their own opinion based on several factors.

First of all some people would argue that dessert is the best part of a meal or that the vegetable is the worst. I on the other hand have a ravenous appetite for meat in just about all forms but also appreciate a good vegetable. Second, you could also categorize the words based on the depth of the doctrine. Entrees are typically heavier than the rest of the meal so a topic as simple as faith could be considered an appetizer. Third, one of the points made in class was that the main part of the meal is the most filling and that dessert doesn't satisfy. Now if we are speaking literally, then I would beg to differ. I can be just as satisfied with chocolate than I can with a spinach artichoke dip.

The next comparison that the teacher asked us to consider was what kind of "malnutrition" or sin each talk could be geared at curing. The teacher asked what our malnutritions were and there was an extended period of silence before I finally asked if he wanted us to actually share. I am not against sharing personal experiences or struggles with others, but this is the first day of class and I don't need to scare people BEFORE they get to know me. I would rather charm them into liking me and instill in them a sense of obligation before revealing something that would make them run for the hills.

Another interesting concept that the teacher introduced was the fact that not everyone likes dessert or appetizers. He asked us if we had ever heard talks or if there was doctrine that maybe we didn't agree with. The first one that popped into my head was Sister Beck's talk in October. We didn't discuss any in particular but I am glad that this teacher is willing to open it up to discussion. If we are going to be honest, I am not fond of all of the aspects of the Word of Wisdom. I really, really like green tea but that is one of those things that I will wait to share.

As the semester progresses I will be interested to see what the dynamic of the class is and the kind of discussion that this may inspire. As we went around the classroom I was one of only 2 out of 30 or so that had not served a mission which made me stick out like a sore thumb. To add insult to injury I had not eaten dinner before going to class, and it didn't help when I could hear the growling stomach of the girl behind me. So next week I will definitely be eating dinner before class if this is how the semester will be.

My Intimidation Tactics

It was recently suggested that I may be intimidating to men. I don't know that I can see that. I am not of a genius intelligence, I am not take your breath away beautiful, and I'm certainly not good at sports. And of course the people suggesting this were women who may be trying to clue me in and don't want to hurt my feelings by giving me actual examples, or they may have some other motive that I can't quite grasp. I did not dismiss the claim immeadiately and have spent the last few days contemplating the possible traits and personality quirks that could make me an intimidating person. Ordinarily I would ask people for some kind of response, but I'm pretty sure no one reads this but me.

Possibility #1: Honesty is scary! I think a great deal of societal problems can be traced to poor communication and a lack of honesty. I do acknowledge that there are appropriate times and places for things and that honesty is not always the best policy. However, I think people in general are too cautious and conniving. I have been a believer for a while but only in the last two years or so have I actually implemented my plan to be more open and honest with others. The timing also may have something to do with my returning to my faith and deciding that I needed to stop lying to myself as well as others. The end effect of my honesty is that I often tell people things they don't want to hear. I am never cruel and callous, but if someone asks me for an honest opinion I will truly give it and won't pull punches. In the last year as well I have approached two different men in my life and flat out told them that I was interested in a romantic relationship and that they could do what they wanted with that information. I guess this could also be called brave and not just honest. Admittedly both men rejected me but I don't regret telling them. I am still good friends with both and consider one of them my best friend. (next to my awesome roommate who will probably never read this)

Possibility #2: My musical prowess just defies explanation. This one I am less confident about because while I am passionate about music in almost all forms, I am by no means an expert. But when you have played the piano for going on 21 years there is bound to be some kind of proficiency there. Is this even a consideration?

Possibility #3: I'm unapproachable. I sure hope not, but as I have never had to approach myself in conversation I am not able to judge this one at all. I don't think I'm unapproachable. I consider myself pretty friendly and outgoing.

Possibility #4: I am not very feminine. I have the essential anatomy for femininity; breasts, ovaries, etc. But I am not fond of painting my nails, I wear a bare minimum of makeup and I have a difficult time playing the helpless female. I move my own furniture, take apart appliances, machines and computers, and I would rather watch an action or sci-fi movie than a chick flick. I may be barking up the wrong tree here but I imagine that men want to be with someone who makes them feel needed and strong. I will probably not be that woman. My friends will tell you that the guys love hanging out and talking to me because I don't behave like a typical girl. This aspect of my personality works against me in that way because I end up being just one of the guys.

I had a few more but I'm feeling kind of drained. I was blogging to get my mind off a troubling situation and it's not really working and now I can't remember what other possibilities I had thought to introduce. I have not seen the movie Click with Adam Sandler but right about now I would love to have a remote that could fast forward my life 7 or 8 months. I might even settle for a week.

You Know You're a Grown Up When....

I came across a page in one of the magazines I read that listed indicators that you know you are a grown up which I thought I should share. I will also add a few of my own.

you know you're a grown-up when...

... you say , "I know Mom means well" - and you really mean it.
... you figure out that Prince Charming lives in the same universe as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny
... you also realized that not all the "good ones" are married or gay. (although sometimes you think they must live with Santa)
... a normally even-tempered friend flies off the handle at you, and rather than snarling back, you wonder if there's something going on with her.
... you suddenly get why your father complained so much about taxes.
... your primary feeling toward Britney is one of pity.
... you feel no compulsion to adopt the current sizzling-hot (and really stupid looking) fashion trend; you know that, like a mild rash, it'll soon go away on its own.
... rocking out along with the radio no longer embarrasses you. In fact, you turn it up.
... the idea of staying in is just as appealing of going out.
... you decide to learn how to a) play the guitar, b) speak Italian, c) scuba dive, for no other reason than your own desire.

Here are a few of my own:
... you would rather discuss the pros and cons of the current voting system than watch America's Next Top Model.
... you enjoy listening to organ cantatas nearly as much as you enjoy listening to your favorite rock band.
... life experiences have taught you that everything happens for a reason, even if you don't like it.
... New Year's Eve is just another day of the year, but you don't have to work.
... you would rather your birthday was treated as a normal day because it also is just another day.
... waffles become your dinner of choice now and then - not because there's nothing else in the house to eat but just because you like them.
... you are able to tolerate the idiosyncrasies of a younger sibling because you realize you were probably the same way at that age.

Knowledge, Attitude, Insight and Silence

I have of late been pondering the complexities of life, as I often do around the new year and have come to some conclusions that I thought I should share.

I am not dumb. Yes, it's something silly but I am having to remind myself more often because of some of the social situations that it has been my privilege to be a part of recently. I am accustomed to being one of the educated ones in my group of friends, having somehow retained mounds of relatively useless information. A great deal of this comes from my work with Alzheimer's patients. (You tend to have to repeat things several times) However, my ego has been thrown for a loop because of some new people that I am associating with. I have found myself surrounded in conversation that goes completely over my head. If you are a fan of the TV show Friends, there is an episode where Penn (of Penn & Teller) is trying to sell Joey encyclopedias and asks Joey if he ever pretends to know what people are talking about so he doesn't feel left out. Joey gets a certain look on his face and I believe that look has become more of a staple in my facial repertoire than I would like to admit. These experiences have made me wonder if I ever do that to people around me. I apologize if I do because it is entirely unintentional.

Attitude is everything. As I approach yet another birthday that brings me closer to the age of 30, I have to admit to some regret. It is difficult for me not to look at my life right now and not want to constantly compare my life path to that of my sister or friends. I have regrets about not taking full advantage of my college experience. I have regrets about not pursuing my dreams. I could go on and on about my regrets but dwelling on them will do me no good. It can be discouraging to look around you at the people in your life and notice that your family life is not a good as theirs, or that their finances seem to be so in order etc, etc. I have decided to approach this year with a new attitude. Of course I will have times when it seems hopeless or impossible but a recent visit with one of my ecclesiastic leaders has given me reason to have faith in the future, but part of that means I need to change my attitude. You can never move forward if you are always looking back.

Insight can be a useful tool, especially when used on yourself. I read people well. I consider myself to be pretty good at seeing the motivation people have in making the decisions that they do even if it is different from what they say their motivations are. In fact it bothers me when I find someone that is hard for me to read. Because of my ability, I have a tendency to be more sympathetic to the situations and problems that people get themselves into. I am much more willing to accept someone for who they are than most people I know. I am usually pretty good with personal insight as well. I am very aware of the subconscious reasons that I have made the mistakes I have in my life and these insights have allowed me to avoid making similar ones. However, I don't always use my ability wisely on myself. I have been through a tumultuous couple of months due to an ever changing personal relationship that has caused me much confusion. I finally realized that I needed to analyze my motivations instead of trying to figure out the other person's. Once I allowed myself to do this without prejudice everything became much clearer and I have been able to sort out my feelings and establish boundaries for the relationship.

You have the right to remain silent, and sometimes maybe you should. I freely admit to the mistakes I have made in my life and am not afraid to talk to people about my experiences. I have friends who become upset with me when I talk about my troubled past and I am not sure why. I have my theories, but that is not the point. One of my close friends in particular is a few years younger than I and I have come to feel very protective of her and almost a little bit mothering. She knows of my past and has heard me say that I don't necessarily regret making those decisions because they made me the person I am today. Don't misunderstand, if I could have arrived at this point in my development without the poor decisions I made during that particular period in my life, I would be happy to trade. However, I believe that adversity makes us better people. Now that that particular chapter in my life is over I am aware of the rationalizations that led me to behave the way I did. (please refer to previous paragraph) I have felt a little uncomfortable around this friend because I have not been sure how to act or react to some things that are going on in her life. I am not uncomfortable with her per se but I am uncomfortable with myself because I don't know at what point I would be crossing the line of concerned friend to meddler and I don't want to push her away. We talked it out the other day and I explained my concerns and she also expressed a dissatisfaction with me for not being more understanding because I should be able to relate. It is true that our situations are relatively similar but during the chapter of my life that she is referring to I was nowhere near as self aware as she is. My descent was gradual and took several years whereas her descent was nearly overnight. There are factors involved that I cannot get into, but I was a little appalled to have my own experiences thrown back in my face as an excuse for someone else to do a little experimenting of their own.

We are now 3 days into the new year and hopefully have recovered from the New Year's festivities. I leave you now with a quote from dear Uncle Albert:

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."