I am not dumb. Yes, it's something silly but I am having to remind myself more often because of some of the social situations that it has been my privilege to be a part of recently. I am accustomed to being one of the educated ones in my group of friends, having somehow retained mounds of relatively useless information. A great deal of this comes from my work with Alzheimer's patients. (You tend to have to repeat things several times) However, my ego has been thrown for a loop because of some new people that I am associating with. I have found myself surrounded in conversation that goes completely over my head. If you are a fan of the TV show Friends, there is an episode where Penn (of Penn & Teller) is trying to sell Joey encyclopedias and asks Joey if he ever pretends to know what people are talking about so he doesn't feel left out. Joey gets a certain look on his face and I believe that look has become more of a staple in my facial repertoire than I would like to admit. These experiences have made me wonder if I ever do that to people around me. I apologize if I do because it is entirely unintentional.
Attitude is everything. As I approach yet another birthday that brings me closer to the age of 30, I have to admit to some regret. It is difficult for me not to look at my life right now and not want to constantly compare my life path to that of my sister or friends. I have regrets about not taking full advantage of my college experience. I have regrets about not pursuing my dreams. I could go on and on about my regrets but dwelling on them will do me no good. It can be discouraging to look around you at the people in your life and notice that your family life is not a good as theirs, or that their finances seem to be so in order etc, etc. I have decided to approach this year with a new attitude. Of course I will have times when it seems hopeless or impossible but a recent visit with one of my ecclesiastic leaders has given me reason to have faith in the future, but part of that means I need to change my attitude. You can never move forward if you are always looking back.
Insight can be a useful tool, especially when used on yourself. I read people well. I consider myself to be pretty good at seeing the motivation people have in making the decisions that they do even if it is different from what they say their motivations are. In fact it bothers me when I find someone that is hard for me to read. Because of my ability, I have a tendency to be more sympathetic to the situations and problems that people get themselves into. I am much more willing to accept someone for who they are than most people I know. I am usually pretty good with personal insight as well. I am very aware of the subconscious reasons that I have made the mistakes I have in my life and these insights have allowed me to avoid making similar ones. However, I don't always use my ability wisely on myself. I have been through a tumultuous couple of months due to an ever changing personal relationship that has caused me much confusion. I finally realized that I needed to analyze my motivations instead of trying to figure out the other person's. Once I allowed myself to do this without prejudice everything became much clearer and I have been able to sort out my feelings and establish boundaries for the relationship.
You have the right to remain silent, and sometimes maybe you should. I freely admit to the mistakes I have made in my life and am not afraid to talk to people about my experiences. I have friends who become upset with me when I talk about my troubled past and I am not sure why. I have my theories, but that is not the point. One of my close friends in particular is a few years younger than I and I have come to feel very protective of her and almost a little bit mothering. She knows of my past and has heard me say that I don't necessarily regret making those decisions because they made me the person I am today. Don't misunderstand, if I could have arrived at this point in my development without the poor decisions I made during that particular period in my life, I would be happy to trade. However, I believe that adversity makes us better people. Now that that particular chapter in my life is over I am aware of the rationalizations that led me to behave the way I did. (please refer to previous paragraph) I have felt a little uncomfortable around this friend because I have not been sure how to act or react to some things that are going on in her life. I am not uncomfortable with her per se but I am uncomfortable with myself because I don't know at what point I would be crossing the line of concerned friend to meddler and I don't want to push her away. We talked it out the other day and I explained my concerns and she also expressed a dissatisfaction with me for not being more understanding because I should be able to relate. It is true that our situations are relatively similar but during the chapter of my life that she is referring to I was nowhere near as self aware as she is. My descent was gradual and took several years whereas her descent was nearly overnight. There are factors involved that I cannot get into, but I was a little appalled to have my own experiences thrown back in my face as an excuse for someone else to do a little experimenting of their own.
We are now 3 days into the new year and hopefully have recovered from the New Year's festivities. I leave you now with a quote from dear Uncle Albert:
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."
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