Knowledge, Attitude, Insight and Silence

I have of late been pondering the complexities of life, as I often do around the new year and have come to some conclusions that I thought I should share.

I am not dumb. Yes, it's something silly but I am having to remind myself more often because of some of the social situations that it has been my privilege to be a part of recently. I am accustomed to being one of the educated ones in my group of friends, having somehow retained mounds of relatively useless information. A great deal of this comes from my work with Alzheimer's patients. (You tend to have to repeat things several times) However, my ego has been thrown for a loop because of some new people that I am associating with. I have found myself surrounded in conversation that goes completely over my head. If you are a fan of the TV show Friends, there is an episode where Penn (of Penn & Teller) is trying to sell Joey encyclopedias and asks Joey if he ever pretends to know what people are talking about so he doesn't feel left out. Joey gets a certain look on his face and I believe that look has become more of a staple in my facial repertoire than I would like to admit. These experiences have made me wonder if I ever do that to people around me. I apologize if I do because it is entirely unintentional.

Attitude is everything. As I approach yet another birthday that brings me closer to the age of 30, I have to admit to some regret. It is difficult for me not to look at my life right now and not want to constantly compare my life path to that of my sister or friends. I have regrets about not taking full advantage of my college experience. I have regrets about not pursuing my dreams. I could go on and on about my regrets but dwelling on them will do me no good. It can be discouraging to look around you at the people in your life and notice that your family life is not a good as theirs, or that their finances seem to be so in order etc, etc. I have decided to approach this year with a new attitude. Of course I will have times when it seems hopeless or impossible but a recent visit with one of my ecclesiastic leaders has given me reason to have faith in the future, but part of that means I need to change my attitude. You can never move forward if you are always looking back.

Insight can be a useful tool, especially when used on yourself. I read people well. I consider myself to be pretty good at seeing the motivation people have in making the decisions that they do even if it is different from what they say their motivations are. In fact it bothers me when I find someone that is hard for me to read. Because of my ability, I have a tendency to be more sympathetic to the situations and problems that people get themselves into. I am much more willing to accept someone for who they are than most people I know. I am usually pretty good with personal insight as well. I am very aware of the subconscious reasons that I have made the mistakes I have in my life and these insights have allowed me to avoid making similar ones. However, I don't always use my ability wisely on myself. I have been through a tumultuous couple of months due to an ever changing personal relationship that has caused me much confusion. I finally realized that I needed to analyze my motivations instead of trying to figure out the other person's. Once I allowed myself to do this without prejudice everything became much clearer and I have been able to sort out my feelings and establish boundaries for the relationship.

You have the right to remain silent, and sometimes maybe you should. I freely admit to the mistakes I have made in my life and am not afraid to talk to people about my experiences. I have friends who become upset with me when I talk about my troubled past and I am not sure why. I have my theories, but that is not the point. One of my close friends in particular is a few years younger than I and I have come to feel very protective of her and almost a little bit mothering. She knows of my past and has heard me say that I don't necessarily regret making those decisions because they made me the person I am today. Don't misunderstand, if I could have arrived at this point in my development without the poor decisions I made during that particular period in my life, I would be happy to trade. However, I believe that adversity makes us better people. Now that that particular chapter in my life is over I am aware of the rationalizations that led me to behave the way I did. (please refer to previous paragraph) I have felt a little uncomfortable around this friend because I have not been sure how to act or react to some things that are going on in her life. I am not uncomfortable with her per se but I am uncomfortable with myself because I don't know at what point I would be crossing the line of concerned friend to meddler and I don't want to push her away. We talked it out the other day and I explained my concerns and she also expressed a dissatisfaction with me for not being more understanding because I should be able to relate. It is true that our situations are relatively similar but during the chapter of my life that she is referring to I was nowhere near as self aware as she is. My descent was gradual and took several years whereas her descent was nearly overnight. There are factors involved that I cannot get into, but I was a little appalled to have my own experiences thrown back in my face as an excuse for someone else to do a little experimenting of their own.

We are now 3 days into the new year and hopefully have recovered from the New Year's festivities. I leave you now with a quote from dear Uncle Albert:

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity."

The Holidays Are Apparently for People to Remind Me That I Am Still Single

The holidays are said to be a time of celebration and contemplation. We are supposed to rejoice in the gathering of our families and friends. I do like the holiday season, but mostly because it means I get time off from work. As a SSLF, the holiday season becomes one long explanation as to why I am not married. And I appreciate that people just want to see me move on in life and procreate, however let me just point out a few of the things that are frequently said that don't help.

"You are going to make a great mother, someday." Yes, I have perfected the swaying motion needed to calm my nephew down. I do not need your help to remind me that my younger sister has 2 children and that I need to "catch up." Someone actually told me to hurry and catch up, seriously! It's not like I am morally opposed to marriage and it's not like I just forgot that the next logical step in my life's progression is marriage. Oh my gosh, I totally forgot! I'll get right on that.

"You are so (insert compliment here), I don't understand why you aren't married yet." Thank you, I appreciate the compliment and if you feel the need to pass it on to any single men you may know, feel free. However, when you say this it doesn't make me feel better. It leaves me wondering why potential suitors do not see this and depending on what the compliment was it may leave me feeling inadequate and insecure.

"You're next!" Wow, really? Are you psychic? And does that mean next as in this year, or next as in sometime in the next decade? Wait, does that mean that after catching 5 different bridal bouquets, this one may actually mean something?

"Your time will come." I don't even know what to say to this one other than, no duh! I just hope that it happens in this lifetime. Thank you for reminding me that I am not getting any younger.

Another not so helpful or encouraging thing people do is to tell stories about how they knew someone they thought would never get married, blah, blah, blah.... Then one day when they were 35 they finally found that "special someone". Grrrr. I know that the story is meant to give hope and prove that sometimes it just takes longer for some people, but please refrain.

One thing that my family has taken to doing is to analyze ANYONE that is male in my life. My Oma has come up with some great things. When I was living with her last spring, a gentleman from my ward came over to practice a musical number and the first thing my Oma did when he left was to grill me about him. I gave her some basic facts and for weeks she would randomly ask about him and drop not so subtle hints like, "we could use a lawyer in the family."

The most insulting thing that people do is to suggest that maybe I am not trying hard enough. "Well, are you going to a singles ward?" Yes, I am. Do you really think the answer to my problem is to go to a singles ward? Besides the fact that I go to church to worship not to pick out a husband. There are equally insulting things people say such as, "maybe if you (insert action here)." Sigh And typically the thing that they are suggesting is something completely out of character for me. I am not going to change the fundamentals of who I am to attract someone, only to have them discover that I am not who they thought.

"You're just too picky." Ahhhhhh! Picky? Is that because you picked the first person to come around that you feel you need to say that? The thing that gets me is that the people who say this usually have NO clue as to what your dating history is, or any kind of obstacles you may need to overcome, etc. etc.

So may I suggest that before you impart some of your wisdom to those of us who aren't part of the blissfully married crowd, that you think about what you are saying. We feel enough pressure as it is without you reminding us that we do not belong to your club. Refrain from giving unsolicited advice about how "it happens when you least expect it," or "it happens when you stop looking" or something equally ridiculous and just let us live life at our own pace, even if it doesn't match the one that you are chugging along at.

Compliment or Insult?

I was recently accused of channeling the behaviors of a friend of mine, which is not necessarily a bad thing, however, the intention I believe was to be a subtle insult. I was in the midst of a discussion about the complexities of dating and being the only female in the group the men were seeking my advice. There are several subjects about which I am passionate, when encouraged I will get on my soapbox and dating is one of those subjects. Now I partly blame the four men I was with because they are very good friends who really should know better than to get me started. In the past when the subject of dating has been approached I will admit that I have not been as vocal as I was on this occasion. I have been told by more than one of these men that while my advice is logical and should be helpful, it's not. Because apparently I am not a typical female. Yet they continue to seek me out for said advice. So here is how the comment went. "You are talking just like 'Bob'." The comment did stop me in my tracks especially because the follow up comment was something to the effect of how Bob was changing who I am. I find the implication insulting for more than one reason. One, I am almost positive that the speaker is jealous of the relationship (complex as it is) that I have with Bob. Two, I'm positive that the speaker didn't like what I was saying because it meant that he would have to step out of his comfort zone and stop whining. And three, I am proud of the person that I have become and take offense to anyone that knows me that well insinuating that I would change who I am to conform. I'm not saying that the people around me don't influence me at all, that would be ridiculous. We are the sum of our life's experiences and that includes the people that we associate with.

Has my personality been fundamentally changed because of Bob? No. But one thing that my friendship with Bob has resulted in is the personal realization that I should not be afraid to share the true me with the people I treasure most. I have known for quite some time that my personal viewpoints on a variety of subjects do not fit in with those of my family, most of my friends and the local culture to which I belong. Until this point I have been reluctant to speak up when confronted with an opinion that differs from mine because I have been afraid of how I will be perceived. I am striving to be proud and unafraid of what people will think of my differing views. To that friend I say thanks, I appreciate the compliment. :)

Genetic Privacy, when will it actually be my problem?

Recently while reading the U.S. News I came across an article written by Bernadine Healy, M.D. about a bill currently trying to make its way through Congress. She calls it "the long awaited GINA, the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act". I don't know that I agree with her analysis that this is "long awaited". Dr. Healy makes several valid points about the direction that insurance companies could take if they had access to your personal genetic code such as making you pay a higher premium based on the probability you may contract cancer or something equally as devastating. However, one of Dr. Healy's main agendas is bring attention to the fact that a certain senator is trying to stonewall the bill until 2009. Fine, I understand your concern, BUT how many people do you know that are running out to have the extremely expensive mapping of their genes done? She may know a few, but then again we run in very different circles. I don't know that I would have it done even if I could afford it. I think knowing too much about our future restricts us. (Has anyone seen "Paycheck?") And I also understand the need to make a preemptive strike as it were, before genetic discrimination even becomes a factor.

The problem I have is that there are other discrimination and hate issues that I consider a problem NOW that are being ignored. In 1990 Congress passed the Hate Crimes Statistics Act (HCSA) with the hope of enforcing harsher punishments on crimes motivated by race, religion and national origin. Segregation may not be Constitutional but we cannot claim to have eradicated bigotry no matter what the law says. Earlier this year the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2007 was introduced in Congress. The proposed law would extend federal authority for investigation and prosecution of hate violence to include those crimes based on the victim’s actual or perceived sexual orientation, gender, gender identity or disability. Does anyone else see the problem here? I promise that hate crimes have not been restricted just to race, religion and national origin before now. Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are not all of the sudden being targeted and this is not a revelation that has been recently obtained. In 1982 the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs was created and in the last 22 years alone there have been over 35,000 documented hate crimes committed based on sexual orientation. I can't even imagine what the actual statistics would be if everything was reported. Good job, way to be on top of things Congress!

I don't care what your views may be on homosexuality, race or religion, we are all human beings and deserve to be treated equally. Discriminating based on any of those is as ridiculous as discriminating based on hair length or the diameter of your wrist.

I applaud Congress for being on top of advancing technology and trying to forsee problems that could be detrimental to society, but maybe they should take a closer look at the here and now and see that discrimination and hate crimes are not just restricted to the things they want to acknowledge. And while they are at it maybe they can get insurance companies to pay for mental health and birth control and maybe even force them to acknowledge that my pre-existing condition is not going to change in the near future and punishing me for something I can't control is a waste of time and just pisses me off.

Men can be seriously delusional

Girls night can be both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to get back to my somewhat feminine roots. I enjoy hearing about all the gossip and learning about the up and coming romances, etc. etc. but it also means that they expect you to dish on your own life as well. Which may not ordinarily be a problem but I have some rather unique and delicate relationships in my life that I don't feel the need to share, nor are the intricacies of said relationships mine to share anyway. Luckily the girls I had invited were courteous enough not to pry and I respect them for that.

We came to some conclusions about men (thats what girls nights are for random ranting, bashing, comparing notes, etc) that may or may not be true, but based on our collective experience, are true for the men/boys that we currently associate with.

First, men are inherently stupid when it comes to "signals". The girls who were participating came from both ends of the spectrum. One of them, lets call her Jane, is decidedly not very subtle and will straight out tell a guy that he should ask her out. I have heard two different opinions from men on whether a girl should ask them out, either way they seem to be evenly split between thinking it's cool to thinking that the girls shouldn't do it. Jane is a very open honest person and I think that actually intimidates people who aren't sure how to react to her without all the subterfuge of "normal" dating. That said, two of the girls Hannah and Sara are complete opposites and are terrified of asking a guy out. One notable difference between these two groups is that Hannah and Sara have never had to worry about being asked on dates, whereas Jane can count the times that she has been asked on a date on just a little more than one hand. Jane's dilemma is that most of the time people think she is kidding around and that if she waited for someone to ask her, she would never date. Jane tells a story of how she and her sister would flirt, but the boys would take her sister seriously and notice the attention being given. Jane managed to somehow, with the same exact behaviors, convey the attitude of happy go lucky girl who is a nice, fun friend. Seriously, I have actually watched this experiment in action and it is true. As far as "signals" go, how do we let someone know we are interested without scaring the hell out of them? Can we set down some general guidelines so that both sexes can more adequately determine where they stand without actually having the "DTR?"

Second, men who may be physically attractive ruin their chances when they say something stupid. Let me give you an example. A particular boy that we were discussing is probably one of the most physically attractive "men" in our singles ward currently. However, when he says to you that you are number two on his list of girls that have possibilities as eternal companions and actually thinks that you should be flattered by this, we have a seriously delusional person here. Another problem is that since the women outnumber the men by AT LEAST 2:1 if not more, some of the boys assume that if a girl talks to you, you are interested in him. A similarly delusional boy in the ward told one of my friends after ONE date and talking at church a couple times, that he was afraid she was getting the wrong idea. He then proceeded to tell the story about someone he had "dated" at BYU that had read too much into their relationship. Whatever. Some of these boys seem intent on proving to us why they are in their late twenties and not married, which of course anywhere else would be acceptable but not in Utah.

Finally, (at least for here) most men will take advantage of a woman's generosity if given half a chance. As we were sharing experiences and seeking advice at least four of the six stories had a common denominator, a guy who was not treating the girl in question with the respect she deserves. None of these men were hitting the girls, or anything particularly awful like that, but simply not showing an appreciation for them. Often we are not aware until someone points it out to us. We as women want to be pampered and treated special. Even I, who has a difficult time asking for help, especially from men, want to feel desired and appreciated. The last pseudo-relationship I had was all about me giving. I would cook for him, go to all his extra-curricular college activities, arrange group outings so that he could meet a particular girl, etc., etc. He cannot claim ignorance because I had flat out told him I was interested in a relationship. I know this does not paint a favorable picture of me. I mean, seriously! I am not that person, or at least I thought I wasn't. I would like to justify myself by saying that I was whipped, I thought this was THE one. Ordinarily I don't take crap from people and will tell you if you are being rude, but I could not bring myself to do so with this guy. My friends say that he knew exactly what he was doing, but I really want to believe that he wasn't using me. I am probably wrong, but I hope not. My optimism in regards to people's character can either be quantified as naive, stupid or charming I guess. For the sake of my ego, right now we will go with charming.

So what conclusions did we come to? None of course. One of the most positive things about the night is that we have decided to spend the next 5 weeks working on specific goals as a group. We brainstormed and came up with a list of new experiences and character building exercises that will hopefully improve our quality of life. We are doing this for ourselves as women, not to live up to societal expectations imposed upon us by our religion, our families or anyone else who thinks that our path in this life is an inevitability that can't be avoided.

The Twinkling Lights of Christmas

There is nothing that says Christmas like bright shiny lights in the snow. Unfortunately most of the twinkling lights I see on a daily basis are those of brake lights as traffic moves at less than 20 mph on the freeway. They have no need to warn me of speeding in work zones, I can't even accelerate to 30 mph on a regular basis. I understand the need for UDOT to repair roads, I would just like to suggest that maybe winter is not a good time to narrow the lanes down on a freeway that is mostly overpasses and already prone to black ice. Luckily I have not had any mishaps. Of course with all construction there are closures of exits and all kinds of other fun obstacles to overcome. Something that I have found typical lately is the idea of springing an onramp closure at you right before you get to it. The onramp at 7th East is closed. One night at about 2 a.m. I was approaching said onramp to get on the freeway. The sign that tells you the ramp is closed, is in the actual lane to take the ramp, not a couple blocks before or even the intersection before. I have checked and there is NO earlier warning of the ramp closure. Heaven forbid that they should let you know before you actually get there so that you can choose another route. Another complaint I have about winter construction projects is that when they shift lanes it makes it very difficult to determine where the actual lanes are. With snow and ice and the reflection of lights sometimes you can't see which lane you are supposed to be in, and if you can see a lane it's probably the old one that they attempted to cover up when they shifted lanes for their poorly timed road project. One thing I can be positive about is that at least my commute is not often at a dead standstill. Every night as I merge from the 201 onto I-80, I look at the pretty string of brake lights that stretches from 600 South to farther than my eyes can see, I feel grateful that at least I don't have to take I-15 South!

Self-Awareness sucks sometimes.

I am really frustrated with human behavior right now. Why do we as humans consciously make decisions or behave in ways that we know are detrimental to our well being? I'm not talking about the things that we do and maybe later can say that we should have known better. I am talking about actually knowing that what you are doing is just going to bring heartache and yet continuing anyway. I would love to, but can't claim that I have not done this in the past or that I will not in the future. I'm even pretty sure that a current situation in my life is one of those as well. One of the things that keeps me from being self-destructive is because of the self-awareness that I possess. Now obviously nobody is TOTALLY self aware, but I like to think that I am usually cognizant of the thought process that motivates me to behave in a certain way. Having not always been aware, I find it hard not to point out to people what they are doing if I see it. It becomes even more difficult when it is someone I truly care for.

A great deal of my frustration would be eased if I just didn't care and realized that people are responsible for themselves. I am cursed with an overabundance of empathy and a desire to "fix" people or things. And I do mean overabundance. Other people's problems cause me to cry a lot quicker than my own, and I have a few. If someone around me is in pain, I feel it. I hate being that person! My life would be simpler and a lot less dramatic if I could just not care. I don't want to make people feel guilty or feel like they are being judged. It irritates me to no end when someone patronizes me with "that look." The look that says, "I'm going to let you continue to do what you are doing, but I don't approve." I have been getting that look a lot lately and it is infuriating. But I am pretty sure I gave that look to someone tonight and I am ticked off at myself. Now I find myself in a predicament. I actually know why most people give that look!! It is because they are concerned for you and it comes from love, and hopefully not to make the giver of the look feel better about their own life.

I know that people need to live their own lives and that we have a free will and choice, but sometimes it just sucks!