Nomobiphobia

I learned a new word today: nomobiphobia. Any ideas what it is? It is a "no mobile phone phobia." Yes, there is now an actual phobia. And tragically, I have been afflicted by it before. How crazy is it that this is something we need to define?? I'm going to sound super-old here but I remember getting my first cell phone at the age of 19 and not using it very much. I also remember when they first came out with camera phones and how ridiculous I thought that was because who needs to take pictures that urgently? Fast forward 18 months later and I have a camera phone. Then I couldn't believe that people would actually pay for data plans on their phones just to access the internet. How lame was that? Then there was the touch phone, and finally the "smart" phone. All things that I vehemently insisted that I would not need, and of course I now own a smart phone and it has been one of the greatest purchases I have ever made.

Wait, what?

I had to purchase a smart phone a couple of months ago because my boss kept sending my messages that I couldn't access because I didn't have a smart phone. I finally broke down and bought one and ironically don't have that job anymore. Whatever. Two months after making the transition to smart phone mine was refusing to hold a charge. (Probably because I dropped it in a glass of water...) After replacing my battery and my charger my provider finally just exchanged out my phone for another. However during this time I went a whole 36 hours without a working phone. It was terrifying! I kept feeling phantom phone vibrations and I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety that someone was trying to get a hold of me. I was positive that I was missing something life changing that I would not know about until it was too late. Miraculously the world continued on as normal and when I got my new phone I had not been called upon to save the world or anything of the sort. And someone please tell me why six year old's have cell phones?? This disturbs me. No child needs to talk or text their friend that badly.

I've decided that my generation is getting "old" way to fast. The way technology is advancing in my lifetime alone is astonishing. Does anyone even remember laser discs? I still have one simply for the nostalgia of it. When I showed it to the kids I used to teach they thought I was insane.

I am way too "plugged in" with my smart phone, laptop and everything else. I've made a decided effort lately to be more cautious about how much time I am spending on the internet. I have definitely cut down on my Facebook time but am trying to make an effort to spend time "unplugged." I've been leaving my phone in another room for hours while I do other things. Gasp! The horror. But guess what? I'm still living. I didn't miss a call from Jeremy Renner professing his undying love. I was not called upon by the United Nations to be an ambassador for the aliens that recently landed in Idaho. I am okay. Mostly. Nomobiphobia cured?

Hoarding: The Epiphany

I had an epiphany today while watching TLC's "Hoarding: Buried Alive." I get a sick satisfaction from watching this show and I think it comes from knowing that my life could be worse. But can it really? Here's where the epiphany comes in. It was vocalized by the subject of this particular episode. She explained that her hoarding started because she was lonely and that having all these things made her feel safe and secure. That statement resonates with me but in relation to my food issues instead of hoarding. She went on to explain that once she realized how awful she had let her hoarding become she was overcome by the massive changes it would require to fix it. I feel the same way about my weight. She then went on to explain why she had not made the effort to start changing. If she couldn’t fix the hoarding it would be yet another failure to add to the list. This woman spoke what I feel.  How is her addiction to objects any different from my addiction to food? We are both striving to replace the same thing.

Here is what I mean. It is a given that life is most likely not going to turn out how we plan. Things happen beyond our control. By the age of 31 I had fully intended to be married to a wonderful husband, with beautiful children, have a degree in music and be teaching piano while raising my children. The reality is that I am single, do not have a college degree, unemployed and living with my parents and no prospects for marriage or career.

I don’t want pity. I don’t write any of this because I want someone to fix me or feel bad for me because on a daily basis and in general I don’t feel as overwhelmed as this sounds. The aggravation came from losing a job that I really liked and realizing that my baby sister is going to be married soon. But the truth of it is that as much as I know I need to make some changes in my life, I’m scared to. What if I can’t do it? It would be one more failure to add to the ever growing list. Then there is the flip side. What if I do make the changes? I have felt that part of the reason I am single is because I can’t find someone to look beyond my weight. I want to find someone who will love me for me but the reality is that I am more likely to find someone if I lose some weight. At the same time what if I lose weight and still can’t find someone to love me? That thought terrifies me. So I reject others before they reject me by not doing anything at all, thinking that if it is really meant to be someone will break through my walls. If I want to end the aching loneliness, longing for companionship and gut-wrenching loss as my child bearing years pass by, I have to change. Me. The world is not going to change for me.

The Simple Life

We had a power outage in my neighborhood the Monday after the 4^th of July which led to everyone evacuating their homes for the marginally cooler weather of the outdoors. I must explain that in general I do not like excessive heat. At all. In fact I have strong words for how I feel about hot weather; the words that come to mind include abhorrence, enmity, loathing, and animosity to name a few. I know it doesn’t make sense considering I was born in the desert state of Utah and have lived here my whole life. You would think that at some point I would have adapted to the weather. N-O-P-E.

Back to the power outage. After calling the power company and discovering that we would be without power until at least 2 a.m., I panicked. In general my residence is what I would consider toasty even with the A/C on, more so than I would like. There are various factors that contribute to the fiery furnace that is my bedroom in the summer; the southern facing window and the neighbor’s ridiculously yellow paint job that reflects the sun into my bedroom are the main reasons. Thus I was faced with the prospect of a day that had reached 100 degrees turning into a night without much hope of relief.  I couldn’t handle the thought of tossing and turning sleeplessly while enduring the agonizing heat. I was mulling over the benefits of taking off for cooler climes when one of the neighbor kids came running out of his house and darted across to us. “Can you believe it?” he cried. “Now I can’t play my video game!!” If only I could have the worries of a child again.

Confessions of a Dead Beat Friend

Confession time again. I've been a bad friend, one might say dead beat. I basically have 4 really good girl friends that are constants in my life. Three of these friends I haven't talked to in months and the only reason I have had any contact with the fourth is that her husband calls me so that I can babysit their baby while he takes his wife out. I am a great listener when people have problems and need to talk or not talk. I am horrible however at communicating my needs. I tend to become reclusive and then feel bad when no one contacts me. I also tend to feel guilty about burdening others with my "problems" especially because I often feel that compared to the trials of others, my worries pale in comparison.

I continue to struggle with balance in my life as well and I still haven't figured out how to adjust my priorities so that I am not totally overcome by a single aspect of my life. I never seem to be in the right place with my spirituality, personal life, family life and career all at the same time. My excuse is usually work but after today I no longer have that excuse. (Explanation forth-coming, stay tuned) It makes for a pretty lonely existence. And now that I have had a REALLY awful day (fired) I am too ashamed about being a bad friend to call my friends and let them commiserate. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. Putting down roots won't do me any good if I can't nurture and water them. Maybe that's why the cactus in my room is dying.

Trust

Things That Mus Go - Office Edition

The title says it all, this is my list of things that MUST go (but probably won't)

• The mysterious person that turns off the A/C. It's hot everywhere else in the building, if you're cold put a sweater on. It's sad when the temperature upstairs and in the gigantic warehouse is lower than the downstairs offices.
• My computer not working right unless someone from IT is standing there watching me, at which point I can't show them what's wrong.
• The software on my computer that only works sometimes because it was written years ago before Windows XP, 7 and Vista, by someone who doesn't work there anymore. 
• The person who sorts the mail and keeps giving me the mail for the people who work in the building across the street. Still the same company but the name and departments are light years apart.
• Snot rockets. My office is near the bathrooms and with our recent remodel and removal of the carpet in the hallway, sound carries more clearly. At least three times a day someone is in the men's room blowing snot rockets. It echoes, everyone can hear you. Ewww.
• The missing table from the lunchroom. A few weeks ago someone took a table and used it somewhere else, now it's missing. It makes for a cramped lunch hour.
• The unknown person that's stealing my ice. My work doesn't have ice, I bring my own 5 lbs bag. There are certain people I have given permission to use it. It's not expensive. However, the person who keeps tearing open the bag instead of untying it meaning that it doesn't get closed tight and thus the ice ends up tasting of the other things in the freezer. See next item.
• The people who keep bringing whole sides of beef to put in the freezer at work. Really? Were you planning on having a BBQ party after everyone else goes home? Because your side of beef has been there for over a month and it's starting to smell.
• The busybody who is keeping track of my phone calls. Guess what? Just because someone doesn't know my extension, doesn't make it a personal call. Tattling just makes you look stupid, especially when you're wrong.
• The magazines on the tables in the lobby. For some reason there are 15 issues of People and 1 paper that is local to the suburb we are located in. People magazine is for doctor's offices, not the lobby of a business, unless you print the magazine or take the photos of the people inside.

Happy 30th Brunhilda!!

 Nothing says "I Love You" like this face I made when confronted by my newborn sister.

My sister and her beautiful kids. Happy Birthday!!!

Enough Transplanting, I Want Roots!

I'm restless. I figured out the other day that in the past 10 years I have moved 11 times, had 15 roommates (not including when I have lived with family) 3 cars, 12 jobs (sometimes more than one at a time) 5 boyfriends (only one of which lasted longer than 3 months) and have been a member of 7 different single's wards.

At the age of 31 I can honestly say that I crave permanence. I want roots. There comes a time when a daily or weekly routine doesn't sound so awful. At least a routine could maybe help me find some balance. Right now I don't have great balance in my life, but that's another post entirely. I look forward to the day when I can go home to my own place; where I have made the decorating decisions and can leave my shoes by the door. Until then I can dream and save my money so that when the time comes, I can carve out my own little slice of heaven, a heaven with roots.

The Acarophobia Dilemma

I have two favorite seasons, winter and spring. I like wearing sweatshirts and curling up in massive amounts of blankets in the winter, but I also really enjoy the short sleeve and sandal weather of spring. I'm not a hot weather person so I dread the oppressive heat of summer. So far it has been a pretty mild summer and I am totally loving it. However, spring has a disadvantage over winter. It's something that causes me irrational fear and anxiety. Mosquitoes. Such a silly thing to fear, but for some reason that is beyond my recollection I abhor mosquitoes. The very sight of one is likely to sending me running in the opposite direction or screaming like a child in distress and waving my hands frantically around my head. By definition a phobia is an abnormal fear of something that is probably harmless. If by harmless you mean a blood-sucking menace that haunts the pleasant twilight of day. (Incidentally this is why I could never be "Team Edward" despite my personal preference )

My current dilemma is that I now fear a mosquito conspiracy has been enacted upon me. That's right, conspiracy. I have seen but one mosquito so far this spring and after some dancing around and hysterical mewling noises I managed to kill it. And so began the war. I have now woken up to a new mosquito bite somewhere on my body at least twice a week for the past month. Just this morning I have discovered a new one. WHY? I don't kill their kin any more or less than the next person. These sneak attacks are slowly unraveling my delicate psyche. My mother claims it is because I have "sweet blood." The very thought of that tiny insect landing on my skin and taking a part of me while I am unaware makes me shiver in horror. Tomorrow I'm buying one of those new Off! personal mosquito fans that clips to your belt. Be forewarned, I am going to be smelling like insect repellant daily until I can quash the conspiracy and stop the revolution. Vive la Danica!

The Genius that is The Piano Guys

Prepare yourselves for unsolicited advertisement. I have a new obsession. And I don't like using the word obsession because it tends to have be overused and sometimes can have a negative connotation, but in this case the word is accurate.

I ♥ The Piano Guys.

If you haven't heard of them I would suggest you go here to their YouTube page and partake in what will surely absorb you for the next few hours. Go ahead, I'll wait......

Okay, now that you have some idea of who they are I can tell you why I love them so much. I can't even remember how I stumbled upon the first video I saw which was Michael Meets Mozart. But I had some previous knowledge of the pianist, Jon Schmidt, so I knew it would be good. I met Jon Schmidt once back around 1996 when my parent's company was binding his piano books so he could sell them. I had heard his piano music and loved playing it, so it didn't take much for me to gravitate to this video. I will admit I acquired a bit of a crush on Steven Sharp Nelson, the cellist, especially after watching the video "Moonlight." I was thrilled when I found out that he lived in my neighborhood. And even more excited when they covered More Than Words, something that I had suggested in a comment on their videos!

The brilliance of the music these guys are creating is not something that I think I can articulate, but I'm going to try. I have a deep love for music anyway, but I would say that one of the things that keeps me coming back for more of their music is that The Piano Guys obviously love what they are doing. There is a passion for music that bleeds from every note they play. They are able to put so much emotion into the music they play that it makes me want to be a better musician. I want my music to touch people in the way that their music has touched me.

What adds to the beauty of their music is the sweeping views of nature which provide such a fantastic backdrop to already great music. The things the crew does is mind boggling! Simply watch Peponi or the Bourne Vivaldi to see what great lengths these group of men go to to produce exquisite videos.

I have struggled with patience waiting for the next video to appear, anxiously checking YouTube on Mondays for another upload. I believe in what they are doing so much that I am a double donator to the "Founders Club" which has earned me two T-shirts and two CD's. I also purchase the new song from their website every time they release another one. I have to admit that I feel so strongly about this music that I sometimes feel like a hysterical teenager, likely to faint at the mere sight of my idol, only in this case it's NOT Justin Bieber.

Was that enough links for you? Can you see what I used the word obsession?

A Thousand Notes of Comfort

I adore this video and the men that create these videos!

It All Comes Down To Faith

In the last few years I have had the opportunity to go through various stages of life. Single and living at home, single with roommates, single and living with family; but the recurring theme has always been single. My first romantic relationship started at the young age of 15 and continued pretty much until I was 22. After that amount of time there was obviously a lot of emotion involved and I didn't feel like I had true closure until this year. The end of that relationship was pretty tragic and shocking for me and definitely affected me adversely. My state of mind was not improved by the marriages of my best friend and sister within the same month, despite how happy I was for them.

I floundered for a couple of years, after deciding that the way I had been living previously hadn't done my marriage prospects any good, so I tried other things. Things that were basically not good for me which I eventually realized before I did something really stupid. Basically I had lost my faith in good things happening to me. It took me a while but I got to a healthier place. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief mine was to be blunt and brash. My honesty won me some friends but it could also be very off-putting. Mostly it came from being unsure of who I was and eventually it was that self-discovery that gave me the confidence to date again.

The great thing about finally knowing who I am is that it means I am more open to meeting people and also aware of what I want in a relationship. This also means that I know if someone rejects me it is not the end of the world. It just means that I am not what they are looking for in a mate. Part of that also means that I have faith. Faith that somewhere out there is someone that I am right for, someone who will accept me for who I already am, not some unrealistic idea. What gets me through the day despite an impending sense that time is passing too quickly and that my chances become fewer the older I get, is faith. Faith and hope in a divine plan that is beyond my understanding.

Happy Thoughts

Poor Communication & Etiquette

As previously mentioned I currently pay my bills by making sandwiches for people who pay for them. In this time I have made some interesting observations concerning human behavior. First is that people are rude. Second is that demographics are astonishingly telling. I work at two separate locations and the difference in how people treat me from one location to the other is dramatically different. Both are in affluent neighborhoods but the interesting thing is that the people at Location One are pretty friendly. They know some things about me and I usually know some things about them. At Location Two I am generally treated with disdain and have had assumptions made about my intelligence because of the job I do. Yes, I work for minimum wage but that doesn't make me stupid or not worth treating with respect.

At what point did it become okay to talk on your cell phone when ordering food? It is extremely rude and if I had my way I wouldn't serve you until you were done. I had someone come in last week and stand in front of the counter while on the phone and I continued to sweep and do some cleaning until he was done. When the phone call ended he was mad and asked if I was finally ready. I replied by telling him that I am always ready, just waiting for him. The most irritating part is when their sandwich is done or nearly so and they suddenly realize that something about their sandwich is not what they wanted. Usually this is because they were paying attention to something other than me and don't realize that what they told me and what they actually want are not the same thing. Inevitably they are put out and mad at me even though they were the ones not paying attention.

So my place of employ has what can be called membership cards. On these cards you can earn points that add up to free food. These cards can also double as gift cards so I don't always know which it is. I generally assume that if they hand me money and their card that the card is to add point onto and the money is to pay for their order. I can't tell you how many times that people have been upset with me because the card was actually a gift card and I use the money they gave me instead. Is it wrong for me to assume that if you hand me money at the register that it is to pay for your purchase?

Rant over, you may now continue with your day.

It's All About Perception

On this anniversary of significance it occurred to me that it is my perception of the events of ten years ago are pretty self-centered. What I mean by that is everything about it is based on my perception. I know where I was when I heard the news and how I felt. I remember how it affected my life as an adult, but it has never really occurred to me what effect it must have had on people who were teenagers or even younger at the time. My sister mentioned that she was in 9th grade and how everyone turned on the TV's in their classrooms to watch the story as it unfolded. I watched a documentary about one of the two photojournalists who was allowed at Ground Zero and how she tracked down some of the people she spent time with in the days and weeks she spent there. Link is: Portraits from Ground Zero. I would highly recommend it.

Cheers and Jeers

• Cheers to my landlord for taking care of our flooding problem so quickly

• Jeers to the guy who lives near my parents and whom uses his riding lawn mower on a lawn that would be much better served with a manual one. What a waste.
• Cheers to an anonymous benefactor.
• Jeers to assumptions that people make about others.
• Cheers for Diet Coke and chocolate, but not mixed together, that's gross.
• Jeers to adults who still act like children, mainly throwing tantrums when they don't get their way.
• Cheers for Hulu which keeps me entertained with old TV shows.
• Jeers to minimum wage that is not sufficient to pay bills.
• Cheers for the weather getting cooler.

Hug-o-war

"I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins." 

Shel Silverstein

Lungs?

Tell me this roast beef doesn't look like some kind of body part, specifically lungs.

"Boty Fat"

It's Labor Day and instead of laboring at the job I am not particularly fond of at the moment, I am spending it by laboring in my house. I am doing some cleaning and rearranging and came across this pictures that one of my students drew for me. It should be noted that people with autism are not typically known for their tact and in all reality this picture may not in fact be a reference to me, (though let's face it, it applies) it was just one of the reminders that sometimes the truest things come from the mouths of children.

The Idea vs. The Reality

I recently decided to end a relationship in my life and it was a decision that was probably overdue. I have often noted that the state of my bedroom is often a direct reflection of my mental state. In the the last few weeks my room has been an absolute disaster. I have had no desire to put things where they go or make any effort whatsoever to change the fact that I was literally tripping over things everyday, which often led to mild cursing. Since the end of said relationship I have cleaned my room and bathroom, kitchen, hallway and even managed to alphabetize the fridge magnets. And while the fridge thing was maybe a little extreme, it has helped me restore order to my mind and house.

The thing that was interesting was that ending the relationship was not as difficult as I imagined it would be. It sort of became a mutual parting and after I felt much better. Only now am I having a delayed reaction to the break-up. The seriously weird part is that I was reminded about how this person made me feel while I was at church which is a place he never went with me and was a major reason for our break-up. I realized that it is not so much HIM that I am missing, but the idea of him. It's the idea of someone who would send me text messages in the morning to ask how my day is going, or scare me during movie previews, or call me "Sweetie," that I miss the most.

I am not overjoyed that I now have to start over from scratch sometime in the (hopefully) near future with someone else. If anything I am comforted by the fact that the idea is still attainable. My faith and hope is still there and I actually have more confidence that someday eventually someone is going to love me for exactly who I am. All I can do is be the best version of me and trust that one day I will be someone's reality and not just their idea.